Experts say that "ex-bashing" more often than not leads to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS is a growing concern among therapists, child psychologists and family lawyers in Pasadena. PAS, according to R.A. Gardner, who discovered the disorder, "arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent." Severe cases of PAS can result in kidnappings and psychological violence, but most commonly the disorder can damage a child's self-esteem and create feelings of fear and confusion. Fortunately, if you know the warning sings and where to get help, PAS can be treated and avoided.

PAS usually puts children in the middle of divorce warfare and in highly volatile situations. Things like a disregard for the child's possessions, forcing the child to give a parent information about the other parent, threatening a child into making custody decisions and manipulating a child into feeling bad for spending time with the other parent are signs that a parent may be experiencing PAS. Other red flags include financial blame placed on another parent, refusal to be flexible with visitation and making demands that contradict court orders.

Psychologists believe that PAS is caused by unresolved feelings of anger toward an estranged spouse. The feelings are repressed and then manifest in wild and dangerous behaviors. Childhood abandonment issues and the presence of a new spouse or lover also can trigger PAS. PAS can be avoided by seeking professional help during the divorce process. If you're experiencing these thoughts and behaviors, it's vital that you speak to someone so your child does not become a victim of your erratic behavior. Also, discussions about an ex should only happen when the child isn't in earshot. On the flip side, if your ex is displaying signs of PAS, seeking psychological help for your child is a great suggestion and your family attorney should be alerted right away if PAS has disrupted court-ordered arrangements.

The old adage for children during tough times is "let them know they are loved." This is especially true during divorce. Affirmations of love and support are the only weapons kids have when it looks like their world is falling apart. With open communication, education and resources, PAS doesn't have to be a part of our children's lives.

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The Oscar-winning actress and American Beauty director Sam Mendes announced their split earlier this year, and appear to be participating in a very amicable and functional divorce. Kate and Sam have been seen around New York City in recent months exchanging their children in perfectly organized pick-ups and drop-offs. According to the Daily Mail, Winslet and Mendes orchestrate timing to avoid one another while keeping their children out of the war zone. Mendes reportedly waits for his ex to leave before he accompanies the kids to school each day. He then walks the kids to their private school in Greenwich Village about a mile away. Winslet picks them up in the afternoon around 3 p.m. when Mendes is at work. The couple even lives on the same block while sharing parenting duties of son Joe and daughter Mila. Winslet and Mendes avoid contact with one another but generally appear to get along in situations when they are forced to interact. Despite this current peaceful climate, sources are quick to note that the couple is not expected to reconcile.

This is an improvement for the couple; they were on separate sides of the globe when their divorce was announced back in march. Winslet was on vacation with close friend and former co-star Emma Thompson and the children in Mexico. Mendes, on the other hand, was working in Los Angeles. Rumors of Mendes having an affair with actress Rebecca Hall swirled shortly after the pair announced their separation. Hall since has denied the rumors, saying that she and Mendes are only friends. Winslet has stayed out of the limelight, focusing on her children and returning to work. She has a variety of projects on the horizon, including a romantic comedy with Hangover star Bradley Cooper.

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According to a study from the University of Florida conducted by Kathryn Grant, many divorced, middle-aged women are at high risk for contracting sexually-transmitted diseases. Most tellingly, the study revealed a lack of communication between doctors and older women on the topic of HIV. Almost two-thirds of middle-aged women who had started dating after divorce or widowhood said they feared they were at risk for contracting HIV and other sexually-transmitted diseases. Yet the women polled said their physicians rarely spoke to them about the dangers of sexually-transmitted diseases. The doctors interviewed for the study, on the other hand, said that professional, older women usually are not considered to be at risk for HIV and AIDS. Women in their late teens and early twenties are statistically more susceptible to STDs, and therefore receive more information than women who are older.

Most of the 44 women interviewed by Grant said they didn't feel comfortable talking to their doctors about sex and sexually-transmitted diseases. About half of the women, who range in age from 44 to 68, said they believed it was the patient's responsibility to voice concerns about STDs, while 28 percent said that the doctor should routinely ask all patients regardless of age about sexual activity and STDs. The remainder of the women polled said they believed it was up to both parties to initiate the conversation. Seventy-four percent of the doctors interviewed agreed that both doctors and patients should initiate a discussion about HIV.

The biggest revelation out of the studies is that both doctors and older female patients said they didn't feel comfortable talking about HIV with one another in fear of embarrassment or that they would offend the other person. AIDS health care professionals say that this lack of communication is still the biggest issue regarding HIV education while stressing safe sex and that routine testing is important at any age. According to aidswisdom.org, in the last decade, AIDS cases in women over 50 tripled. Grant was inspired to conduct the study after reading a magazine article about a divorced woman in her mid-50s who contracted HIV after she re-entered the dating scene.

The couple, according to celebrity gossip sites, might be returning to Australia to disappear for a while from the media attack that currently surrounds the actor. Not only did Robyn give Mel 8 children, she stood by her man during his first fiasco, the infamous Malibu DUI of 2006. Gibson often credited Robyn for helping him recover from alcoholism. She even appeared with him at public events and looked as if she was truly in for the long haul. Yet behind closed doors, insiders say the marriage was already over. Mel and Robyn separated that same year. News outlets were quick to declare the couple as "totally over." The courts, on the hand, told another story. The Gibsons didn't even file for divorce until 2009. Citing "irreconcilable differences," the couple seemed to have ended things amicably; Robyn did not aggressively pursue a large chunk of Mel's estimated $900 million fortune.

And now, Robyn is publicly defending her estranged spouse, saying Mel was never physically abusive and was always a caring father despite the claims of bitter ex-girlfriend Oksana Griorieva. Mel is likely to stay put in Los Angeles until some of his legal messiness, including a custody battle for his child with Griorieva, is cleaned up, but reconciliation with Robyn at this point does not seem unlikely. One thing we've learned from the volatile Mel Gibson is to expect the unexpected.

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Aside from the millions of dollars and high-profile affairs, Tiger Woods isn't that different from people seeking divorce advice in Pasadena. He just wants to put the past behind him and get back to work. And that's exactly what he attempted to do at this week's British Open.

UK reporters expecting to get divorce dish straight from the golfer's mouth were sorely disappointed Tuesday when Woods flatly refused to offer any insight into his split from Elin Nordegren. Members of the press at the British Open in St. Andrews, Scotland, were told simply "I'm not going into that." Swerving away from the topic, Woods spoke about his children, 3-year-old Sam and 17-month-old Charlie. Usually mum when it comes to the children, Woods offered insight into what its like being a father today and described his recent break from Open training to return to the U.S. to spend time with his kids.

"That was an incredible experience to hang out with my kids," the champion told reporters. "Normally I don't come over here, play two days and then go back home. But the reason I did is obviously for my kids, and we had a great time."

Warm and fuzzy talk stopped there as UK reporters went for the jugular. When grilled about his diva attitude and recent tantrums, Woods defensively promised a return to professional behavior saying he is "trying to become a better player and a better person, yes." After repeated attempts by reporters to get him to open up about his divorce, Woods got testy and ended the talk by saying his main focus is his children. He did actually get to talk about golf for a few minutes, as well, revealing he's using a new putter that he hopes will change his poor results lately.

Last week, news of a possible $100-million-dollar divorce deal hit the web, along with rumors of Elin's possible return to her homeland of Sweden.

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One high-profile divorce case has peaked the interest of both Los Angeles sports fans and divorce attorneys in Pasadena. The outcome of the increasingly contentious divorce of Los Angeles Dodgers' owner Frank McCourt and estranged wife Jamie could change the face of a major league baseball team -- one that already seems to be in transition.

McCourt Broderick Limited Partnership purchased the Dodgers in 2004 from the News Corporation for an estimated $430 million dollars. Since then, Jamie served as the team's chief executive until last season, when she was fired. Now legal experts and baseball bloggers alike are wondering if Jamie will seek part ownership of the team as part of the divorce settlement. The deciding factor? According to sources, the fate of Jamie's involvement with the Dodgers relies on a single document, which states that if the couple divorces, Frank gets the Dodgers while Jamie lays claim to the couple's multiple homes.

Still, lawyers for Mrs. McCourt argue that she spent decades trying to help build her husband's many businesses, including the Dodgers, and that this document diminishes her role as a business partner. Jamie was dealt another blow when Frank flatly declined to pay alimony until ordered by a judge to do so. Mrs. McCourt told The New York Times that despite the sexist undertones of the baseball business, she intends to be co-owner of the Dodgers and to resume her role as chief executive for the team. Frank McCourt and his legal team, naturally, have other ideas. McCourt's people say the document signed years ago is iron clad and it certifies Mr. McCourt as sole owner of the Dodgers.

Family lawyers say the case is difficult as it blurs the line of business and family. The usual "everybody gets half" protocol in California is obscured by the allegation that Mrs. McCourt may or may not be entitled to half of the Los Angeles Dodgers. The case is set to go in front of a judge some time next month.

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Readers searching for divorce advice in Pasadena also are likely to be searching for help with other legal issues, just like the family of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. According to new information released this week, just three days before his wife, Mary Kennedy, was arrested for drunk driving, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. filed for divorce. The son of slain presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy filed divorce papers May 12 in the Westchester County Clerk's Office.

Mary Kennedy herself called 911 two days before the papers were filed. Responding officers stated that Mary Kennedy was "visibly intoxicated" and had "great difficulty collecting her thoughts and articulating her reasons for calling." She reportedly told officers that her husband was verbally and physically abusive to her and their children. The recent visit from police was one of several over the past few years, and they were summoned yet again to the home on May 13 where they filed a domestic incident report.

Two days later, Mary was arrested for slamming into a curb near St. Patrick's School on Greenwich road not far from the family's home. Police reported that she had a .11 blood alcohol level, three points above the legal .08. She was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated. Mary Kennedy has been ordered to undergo evaluation for alcohol abuse and is due in court on July 22.

Details of the potential divorce settlement and the filing grounds have thus far been kept from the press. New York State currently does not have no-fault divorce law, but will when a new law goes into effect in September.

The couple has four children. This will be Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s second divorce. He previously was married to Emily Ruth Black, whom he divorced in 1994 only a month before he married his current wife. Kennedy is a respected environmentalist at Pace University School of Law in White Plains, New York.

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Throughout singer Melissa Etheridge's very public battle with cancer in 2004, actress and wife Tammy Lynn Michaels was seen as a pillar of support during an extremely difficult time. In fact, the pair, married in Malibu, Calif., in 2003, seemed built to last -- overcoming not only cancer but career highs and lows as well as the busy personal life of raising twin daughters. This makes their recent split all the more surprising. According to her blog, Tammy Lynn Michaels herself was shocked by the divorce. Here's one woman who will undoubtedly be seeking divorce advice in Pasadena.

Tammy expressed in her blog last week that she was taken aback when she was served with divorce papers from lawyers for the 49-year-old singer and songwriter. Etheridge, according to Michaels, promised that the couple would not file for divorce until she returned from a nationwide tour that commences this fall. In her prose-like blog, Michaels writes, "Gentle waves/no noise for awhile/or maybe gentle voice/and SMACK!!! FILE FOR DIVORCE!!/even though we both promised, agreed, handshook, pinkyswore/until after tour ends/in the fall." The actress, who starred in shows like Popular and The L Word, goes on to say that this is but one of many "broken promises" made by Etheridge.

Making matters worse, when Etheridge filed to dissolve the couple's domestic partnership last week, she requested that Michaels be given no financial support. Michaels claims she turned away work to be a full-time mother to the couple's twins as well as Etheridge's children from an earlier relationship with Julie Cypher, and that since the break-up she has been struggling financially. She goes on to describe borrowing money to help feed her children and put gas in her car. She elaborates, saying the whole ordeal has given her a "stomach full of ulcers." The usually-outspoken Etheridge, on the other hand, has remained silent since the separation.

Reinventing Relationships

Your marital relationship is over, but what about your relationship with your in-laws, their relationship with your children, or even your relationship with your ex-spouse's new Significant Other? What is healthy and appropriate? Since no one has written the new rules and codes of social conduct for relationships engendered by divorce, we asked some experts to share their insights with us. 

By Justine Purcell

Everyone knows at least one divorce horror story, but we seldom hear about people who have established friendly post-divorce associations with each other. "Did you hear that Hugh and Liz are getting along well these days?" just isn't news. Armed with their version of divorce hell, the skeptics tell us it's impossible for a divorced couple to make peace and become friends. They outtalk the quiet and peaceful believers -- perhaps because people who are doing just fine don't feel the need to vent. "If every divorce were a 'War of the Roses', there would be blood on the streets!" points out Barbara Quick, author of Still Friends: Living Happily Ever After...Even if your Marriage Falls Apart .

Luckily, it's never too late to make peace. With determination and good intentions, you can overcome the anger, grief, and sadness of losing a marriage and eventually -- believe it or not -- achieve friendship. Whether or not you want to be "friends" with your ex is a decision in itself, but if you have children together, finding a way to be amicable with your co-parent makes life a lot easier. Your former in-laws don't have to disappear with the marriage either, especially if you've always enjoyed a good relationship with them. Unfortunately there's no rule book for cultivating civility with your ex-spouse, your former in-laws, or even your ex's new spouse -- so we asked several experts -- including people who have managed to create friendly post-divorce relationships -- for some guidance. Here's what they had to say.

When the divorce process has pitted you and your spouse against each other, training you to view each other as enemies, any form of future alliance can seem impossible. But if you have children, your ex-spouse is still your co-parent. "It's difficult for separated partners to remain productive co-parents when the legal process is making them enemies," says Lillian Messinger, a Toronto marriage counselor who specializes in post-divorce relationships. It takes a lot of maturity to make amends with the person who has torn apart your life, or who has been a monster in court. But just as it takes two to determine the marriage dynamic, it takes two to make a good -- or bad -- divorce. Quick emphasizes that "every couple has their own relationship dance. All you have to do is change your part in the dance." If you change your behavior, your relationship will change, too.  

More information on relationships after divorce: It's a date. Getting ready to re-enter the dating scene? Reconcilable Differences: No More Secrets Vengeance and Retribution

Mark and Sara (not their real names) were married for 12 years, and have now been divorced for three. "The first couple years of our marriage was pretty good, but it went downhill rapidly," says Sara. "For the last six years, we communicated in snarls, or through our son, Peter. A friend encouraged us to try mediation, and during the process we started to really talk for the first time in years. The mediator encouraged us to remember what we used to like about each other as we established our co-parenting relationship, and how to listen and 'mine for the gold' in what we said to each other." Both Sara and Mark report that their relationship is better post-divorce than it ever was when they were married. "We are much better as friends than as a couple," says Mark. "Some of the things that really bug you in a spouse just don't matter in a friend. For Peter's sake, we were committed to working on our co-parenting relationship, and the happy side-effect is that we really like each other these days -- which wasn't the case during our marriage."  

However well or poorly you knew your former spouse, this will be an exercise in re-acquaintance. Forming a relationship with your ex is entirely separate from the process of ending a marriage; if you work through the process to achieve your "emotional divorce," you can cultivate something entirely new. Your old relationship is over; take the steps to heal so that you can invest your energy elsewhere.  

Grieving the death of a marriage is like mourning any other loss: it hurts a lot, and you get through it minute by minute. The trick is to stay on the path to recovery, not stopping at the first challenge. In her research for Still Friends, Quick found that a pattern emerged among those who had successfully recovered from divorce. The process that begins with anger and grieving eventually leads to healing, forgiveness, and insight. "Acknowledge the stage you're at, and allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Most people get stuck in anger and grieving," says Quick, adding that "Everyone has a unique healing process. Some people go through it on their hands and knees, spending months at every stage, others go through it at high speed."  

Healing and moving on can take years, but communication with your ex may have to continue both during and after your divorce. If you have children, you will have to discuss the details of their lives. Whether weekly or monthly, these chats are going to develop a personality. They might be draining, dreadful, stressful, infuriating, and frustrating -- or they could be just fine.  

Rick Tivers, the co-director of the Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago, advises his clients to create a vision of how the new family will work. "The boundaries have changed, but the parents must still work together in the best interests of their children," says Tivers. "Effective parenting often involves putting yourself second." Developing a conscious relationship with your ex demands the triumph of logic over emotion -- which is practically the opposite of falling in love. In the early stages of divorce, you must not act on your feelings. "You can honor your feelings without acting them out," Tivers points out.  

You are no longer in a position to seek answers or resolution from your former spouse. Instead, cultivate the habit of self-examination. Before you act, ask yourself: "Will what I'm about to say or do further my goal of creating a healthy relationship?" If the answer is no, don't do it. Period. New York therapist Debra Burrell -- who was chosen and trained by Dr. John Gray of the Mars/Venus books to lead workshops and offer counseling -- says that residual negative emotions are very often related to lack of closure. You may want nothing more than a final thank-you or some acknowledgment of the good in your marriage, but discovering the source of your wound is the first step in healing it on your own.  

What are the options for you and your ex? Really, the whole spectrum -- from bitter enemies to good friends. The relationship you choose will affect your children, friends, and family, so make a conscious decision about where you want to end up. Where there is a history of emotional or physical abuse, no contact is probably the best decision for your family's recovery. Regardless of how much contact there is between you, your goal is to leave bitterness and anger behind. As enemies, you continue to damage yourselves and your children as well as each other. The general rules of polite conduct apply to all post-divorce parents, regardless of the degree of friendship or animosity.

Friend-ly, okay, but friends?

Opinions vary on the viability of post-marriage friendship. Tivers believes that as long as the relationship is based on honor and respect, you can't go wrong. Many divorcing couples don't have friendship in mind after dividing the assets, but there are exceptions. Sometimes friendships between former spouses spring naturally from the freedom of being out of the marital bond. Some couples even maintain a physical relationship, continuing to sleep with each other after they split up.  

Dr. Constance Ahrons, author of The Good Divorce , notes that some couples don't even begin their marriage as friends, and therefore have no friendship to return to. "Sometimes friendships develop over time," Ahrons says, "but it's not the goal of the post-divorce relationship. How would you act toward a colleague you don't see very often?" You can be friendly and courteous without actually being friends.  

If there's one unwavering constant about divorce arrangements, it's that children of divorce always suffer from animosity. Even if friendship isn't in the cards, avoid turning your child into the go-between, the peacekeeper, or from having to take sides with you or your ex.

Tips for Making Peace with your Ex

• Never express negative sentiments about your ex in front of your children: venting and name-calling is damaging to their identity. Even if there's no contact between the two of you, speak positively or not at all. Your children will eventually form their own opinions.
• Give up blame. In order to communicate effectively with your co-parent, you must take full responsibility for how you feel and how you act. "Don't blame each other, and don't talk about what you should have done," says Marcella Sabo, author of Whose Kid is it Anyway? and a licensed psychotherapist practicing in New York and New Jersey. Blaming your ex -- whether you voice your opinion or keep it to yourself -- will only hold you back; verbal blaming does damage to you, your ex, and everyone else who is privy to your outburst. Walk away from screaming matches.
• Go at the pace of the person most hurt. Generally, the person who was "left" is in a more vulnerable state. A person who is still very hurt and angry will probably not take kindly to friendly overtures. If you or your ex is still grieving, wait: rushing anything can be detrimental to the healing process.
• Be polite. Minding your P's and Q's is never out of line. The rules of polite conduct were invented to make awkward situations manageable. There are other outlets for personal conversations; this is business -- particularly in the first year.
• Be tolerant. The things that bothered you about your ex shouldn't be as grating now that you no longer live together. Their bad habits and little annoyances will be largely irrelevant to your life. "Hot buttons just won't bother you anymore," says Quick. "When the other person stops having power over your life, tolerance just flows naturally."
• Don't ask your children to keep secrets from their other parent. Teaching your kids to keep secrets is teaching them to lie. Instead, learn to edit what you do and say so that your kids won't have to cover for you.
• Take the high road. Choose what you know in your heart to be the most positive and productive behavior, no matter how challenging. This is taking the high road -- and you must consciously choose to take it again and again.
• Respect your ex. Quick emphatically suggests creating "divorce vows" in which you promise to treat each other with respect, goodwill, compassion, and tolerance.

Old Spouse/New Spouse

Forming a positive relationship with your ex-spouse's new love may be the last thing on your mind. But regardless of your desires, if there are children or a business involved, this person is now officially a part of your life. So what sort of relationship will it be? As with your ex, the main options are no contact, simple civility, or being friends. The optimal situation is one that forwards the best interests of your family, which may be uncomfortable for you at first. To promote tension-free interactions, be unfailingly polite. For both you and your children, a lot of good manners and a little good-will can make a world of difference.

Pangs of jealousy and primal urges for competition are natural, and powerful at times, but they cannot be a part of your relationship. One of you will be moving on before the other -- inevitably. "If the relationship stimulates old feelings," says Dr. Ahrons, "get support from friends for any unresolved grief. It will lessen over time.

" Good-will has a ripple effect, and so does ill-will -- both inspire responsive consequences. Burrell emphasizes that there is a beneficial element to forging a positive association with your ex: taking steps toward harmony today can spare you a lot of grief in the future. So work strategically for good results! The likelihood of emotional flare-ups resulting in greater cooperation is slim to none.

You'll need a set of ground rules and some common goals to make the relationship work. For instance, your common goal could be: "We want the children to grow up happy, self-confident, and well-adjusted." The ground rules could include: "We will not fight in front of the children. We will strive for consensus on all major issues -- health, education, religion, etc. -- and will support each other's right to have different household rules on minor issues -- such as bedtime, chores, etc." Of course, it would be easier if the rules were the same in both houses, but this is not necessary for a positive working relationship. Children can easily accommodate two sets of rules as long as they are clear and consistently enforced.

There are cases in which an ex-spouse and a new spouse become very good friends. This shouldn't be surprising: after all, you both chose to marry the same person, and you may find that you have a lot in common. When friendship develops between an old spouse and a new spouse, they might be tempted to discuss the person they have in common. Don't do it: trading stories about your ex with his/her new spouse is a very bad idea.

The idea of being friends with this individual may sound ludicrous to you, but if you and your ex share custody of your kids, it's in everyone's best interest for you to be at least congenial with his/her new love. This person will inevitably have some responsibility for raising your kids, and will tend to do a better job and be more cooperative if he/she likes you as well as your children.

The village approach to child-rearing focuses less on the relationship between caregivers and more on their common goal: everyone, including parents, step-parents, and extended family wants the children to be happy and healthy. These "friendly" situations work because they are based on honor and respect -- for each other and for common goals.

Even if you don't like your ex's new spouse, you can still do your best to be polite and likeable. A friendly, working relationship requires conscious cultivation, meaning that every conversation, every hello, every meeting to discuss an issue is executed with care. Marcella Sabo recommends being gracious to each other above all else. Even if you're having a disagreement, you can be courteous while remaining firm about your absolute bottom line.

Observing the Golden Rule -- "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" -- is a good place to start. Also, remember that people like to be thanked for their efforts and to be asked politely for favors. "I make it a practice to personally thank my ex's new wife whenever she does something nice," says Eva, a divorced mother of two preteens. "Sometimes I call, and sometimes I send a card. Because Mary feels acknowledged, she's more willing to listen to my point of view and accommodate my requests." For instance, Eva recently had an emergency at work that required her to stay at the office until after midnight. "My ex was out of town on business, so I asked Mary if she could pick up the kids after school and keep them overnight," says Eva. "I think she agreed because I have cultivated a good relationship with her -- partly by letting her know how much I appreciate her efforts."

Former In-Laws

If the relationship was positive before, it can be positive after divorce. Despite the abundance of in-law horror stories, there are many examples of people "keeping" their former in-laws by choice. "When we go to Montreal to visit our son Alan, his new wife Sara, and our grandchildren, we always make a point of getting together with Alan's ex-wife, Francine," says Beth. "She's like a daughter to us, and although I love Sara dearly, I don't want to give up my relationship with Francine just because of the divorce." Francine and Alan are the cooperative co-parents of two daughters, and they both understand that their children can only benefit from Francine's friendly association with Alan's parents.

The end of a marriage need not mean the end of all communication and friendship with them. If communication is too hard for you right now, it's fine to take some time before resuming the contact. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water: every connection you maintain provides a wider web of security and love for your children -- and you can use all friends you can gather at this time. Grandparents or aunts and uncles can also be a safe haven for children during the storm of divorce, so allow them that valuable resource when they need it most.

Since these people are your ex's family, be respectful about his or her feelings about the relationship. If your best friend or confidante is also your former in-law, avoid sensitive subjects pertaining to your ex or the divorce. Setting boundaries for yourself, by knowing what you will and won't discuss, can help to alleviate any tension.

Don't rush in

After the initial fallout, a lot needs to be put back together; sometimes you need to put yourself back together before reconnecting with your ex or your in-laws. You may feel broken right now, but the path to wholeness exists if you want to take it. Follow it, and you'll eventually learn how to keep the good in your life, be it a great sister-in-law or just some positive memories about your ex.

Be aware that this process can be very uncomfortable and confronting at times, and it will require a strong commitment to your goals -- whether that be making friends or just making peace with your ex. Personal growth is always uncomfortable, and sometimes downright painful, so don't assume that your discomfort is a sign that something's wrong.

The road to recovery starts with forgiveness. Forgive your ex, and yourself, for the parts you played in contributing to the end of the relationship (especially if your ex left you, you need to identify and "own" your part in the breakup), and give up blame and hatred. Hate can be just as binding as love -- even more so sometimes -- and if you want to be free to move on with your life, you cannot remain bound to the past. So forgive, and begin creating a new life with relationships that will nourish and excite you.

For more articles on relationships, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Relationships

Full esteem ahead
Reclaiming your self-esteem after divorce is a critical part of the healing process. Here are some suggestions to help you on your way. 
By Jane Nahirny

Marlene was 36 years old and a successful real-estate agent when her spouse of seven years told her he wanted a divorce. An attractive woman who seemed to exude confidence, Marlene had many friends and a fulfilling career; she was well respected in her community and secure (or so she thought) in her marriage. All that changed with her separation and divorce: "It was like the ground had shifted under my feet... I couldn't get my bearings," she remembers. "My self-esteem dipped to an all-time low. I questioned every decision I made, and found it difficult to find happiness in my life. It took time and a lot of hard work to get back to my old self."

Few people even think about their self-esteem until it's threatened by a traumatic life event. Here, divorce takes top marks. Marriage is, for many of us, our single most important commitment; when it ends in divorce, it's hard not to feel that we've failed. During this difficult time, your self-esteem may falter, depending on how much you relied on your spouse -- or the institution of marriage -- for your self-esteem, says M. Chet Mirman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and co-founder of The Center for Divorce Recovery, a Chicago-area psychotherapy center specializing in divorce-related issues. "Everyone goes through a period of pain and sadness during divorce, maybe even depression, when they have that kind of loss," he says. "Some are able to bounce back in less time because they're able to find themselves more quickly."

Low self-esteem is often assumed to be closely associated with poor body image -- but there's more to it than that. "When you ask people about their self-esteem, many will immediately refer to how they feel about their body," says Jeffrey Rossman, Ph.D., a psychologist and the director of the Behavioral Health Department at Canyon Ranch in the Berkshires. "Our bodies are just one part of who we are... Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself -- the positive and the negative. It's complex, because it comprises how you feel about several different facets of yourself: how you feel about your role as a spouse or ex-spouse, a father or mother, a son or daughter, a sibling, a member of the community, a colleague, a friend..."

A healthy sense of self-esteem is having not just a "good" self-opinion, but rather one that is realistic, affirming, and accepting, stresses Dr. Mirman. "It's a little like having a good parent inside your head: someone who can see you for who you are, and who doesn't require you to be the best at everything in order to love you and accept you."

Dr. Rossman agrees: "Simply put, having a healthy sense of self-esteem allows you to feel good about yourself and who you are: to be happy with yourself, to accept yourself. I'm not suggesting, however, being complacent or putting the blame on others in order to be happy with yourself," he adds.

The silver lining

Despite the obvious sense of pain and loss, Dr. Rossman believes that the divorce process can be a "very fertile opportunity" for learning, self-examination, and growth. "When you're married, you see yourself reflected back through the eyes of your partner," he says. "If you have a marriage that ended in divorce, that reflection may not have always been positive." The healing that needs to take place, he says, is to "see yourself as clearly as possible, in a way, to cleanse yourself of whatever distortion may have been coming back to you in that reflection from your ex-spouse."

The difficulty many individuals face is that, while society offers rituals to support grieving when there is a loss through death -- such as visitations, shivas, funerals, wakes, etc. -- there's just not the same sort of social support during divorce. "Rather than let you grieve, friends and family may say things like, 'You're better off without him' -- comments that support your defenses against moving forward," says Dr. Mirman. It's important to recognize that you are entitled to your grief during divorce, he insists. "Know that this is a loss, so when you're feeling badly, you can access that internal parental voice that says, 'It's okay to feel sad now; it'll be alright.'"

Rebuilding self-esteem

Granted -- rebuilding your self-esteem after divorce can be hard work. But possessing a positive sense of self-esteem is critical in life: it frees us from our own inhibitions and self-doubts so we can take action with confidence, live fully and consciously, and grow dimensionally away the pain of divorce. Here are a few suggestions to help you begin the process towards a newer, more confident you.

1. Recognize that what you're going through is normal. "It's an emotional process," says Dr. Mirman. "The one thing that helps when someone's going through a divorce, when they're feeling really badly about themselves, is if they remind themselves that this is a normal part of the process -- that this too will pass."

2. Go on living your life as fully as possible while grieving the loss of your marriage, advises Dr. Rossman. "By that, I mean going out to lunch with friends, exercising, getting involved in recreational activities, being really fully engaged with work. Know that the grieving can take place right alongside full engagement with life," he adds. "And try to 'live well': That's a wonderful way to boost your self-esteem. If you treat yourself well, that helps you feel good about yourself."

3. Calm, subdue, and wrestle those self-punishing thoughts to the ground. In their book, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D., Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., and Joyce Catlett, M.A. note that: "The critical inner voice is the language of the defended, negative side of your personality; the side that is opposed to your ongoing personal development. The voice is made up of a series of negative thoughts that oppose your best interests and diminish your self-esteem." The authors recommend a course of practical exercises to help you silence your critical inner voice, once and for all -- such as "Exercise 1.1: Visualizing the Real You" and "1.4: A Plan for Action." More specific exercises target particular life areas, including those that establish a link between self-defeating behavior in the workplace and the critical inner voice. With the latter exercises, the authors provide ways for you to improve your work habits and express yourself more positively on the job.

   
   

Your Money Personality
Do you have a realistic sense of the money attitudes and behaviors you exhibit in your daily life? This article will help you increase your self-awareness as you gain an overview of your present relationship to money (its strengths as well as its weaknesses) and of your money personality in general.

By Olivia Mellan

Most of us have powerful feelings about money. These feelings can make it hard for us to arrive at rational decisions about our money and to keep our relationships harmonious when dealing with money. Some people feel guilty about having too much money; some feel ashamed of not having enough or not making enough. Others are afraid to deal with money at all fearing that it will corrupt them in some way or make them feel inadequate. Still others worry constantly about money, and this worrying affects the quality of their lives -- whether they have enough money or not. And some feel a kind of free-floating anxiety about money but have no idea where it's coming from. It's common for people to harbor a variety of feelings about money at the same time, and even to switch from one set of feelings to another (e.g., worrying and obsessing about money one day and then completely avoiding the issue of money the next day).

Just as our feelings about money can vary, so, too, can our behaviors. Some people hoard money; others spend it freely. Some are responsible about attending to daily financial tasks, while others avoid these tasks as much as possible. Certain individuals don't invest their money at all; others invest conservatively; still others take great financial risks. And finally, some people don't fit neatly into these categories and exhibit money behaviors that are contradictory (e.g., acting responsibly for several months and then undermining this behavior by going on an out-of-control spending spree).

Can you articulate your own personal feelings about money? Do you have a realistic sense of the money attitudes and behaviors you exhibit in your daily life? This article will help you increase your self-awareness as you gain an overview of your present relationship to money (its strengths as well as its weaknesses) and of your money personality in general. Doing the work in this article represents an important first step in the journey towards money harmony.

Assessing your strengths and weaknesses

Let's begin by coming up with two lists, one positive and the other negative. On the first list, note two or three areas of your "moneylife" that are a source of pride or pleasure. Here are some typical responses:

• I make enough money to live on.
• I balance my checkbook regularly.
• I'm a generous gift giver.
• I have more than $15,000 in savings.

Now identify two or three aspects of your moneylife that cause you discomfort or even shame. Some typical responses might be:

• I go on shopping binges periodically.
• I procrastinate about paying bills.
• I bounce checks from time to time.
• I'm in debt.
• I have trouble spending money on gifts for myself or loved ones.

I recommend that you keep a record of your responses to these questions -- either in writing or on tape. If you'd rather not write down or tape your responses, at least take the time to think about them.

After you've finished both lists, ask yourself which list was harder for you to produce. Was it the positive list or the negative one? Your answer will determine where you need to concentrate your attention. For example, if you tend to focus on all your negative traits connected with money -- and feel bad about this -- more growth and healing will come from acknowledging your positive qualities for a change. And if you tend to deny your negative traits about money (everyone has them I believe, to some degree), you'll profit from focusing on your negative list.

Money personalities

Aaron, the self-flagellating hoarder.
Many years ago, I gave a workshop in Washington, D.C. One of the participants learned firsthand about the therapeutic value of switching to a new perspective. Aaron was a freelance writer in his sixties who felt incredibly ashamed of being, as he described it, "A stingy, worrywart tightwad" whose wife and two daughters constantly criticized him for these qualities. His negative feelings were so intense that it was impossible for him to make any changes in his relationship to money. But in having to come up with his positive list, he was amazed to find that his hoarding tendency had enabled him to own a house and send both daughters to college on a paltry freelance writer's salary (his wife didn't work outside the home). Seeing his tendency to save money in a new light gave him enough self-esteem to focus on the aspects of his hoarding that were not serving him or his family well.

People can't change when they feel too bad about themselves. Only by validating themselves for their strengths do they have a springboard from which to confront their weaknesses.

Mildred, the spender in denial. 
Mildred tended to praise herself for her generosity and to ignore the fact that she was overspending and running up huge credit-card balances. Doing this exercise and focusing on her weaknesses made her uncomfortable initially but gave her an important insight: she realized how out of control her spending had become in the years when she was experiencing marital stress with her husband. She was, for the first time, free to make some changes in her angry, reactive spending habits.

Taking the money personality quiz

Now that you have your baseline -- a general assessment of your current relationship to money -- and you know where you need to do your beginning work, you can move on to the "Money Personality Quiz". By taking this quiz, you will learn which of five major money personality types best describes your tendencies.

Bear in mind that each type has both good qualities and shortcomings, and that most people are in fact a combination of types. There's no need to worry about the outcome. Instead, try having fun with this quiz.

Record the answers on a separate sheet of paper. For each statement, choose the answer that strikes you first as being closest to your tendencies. There is no right answer. Just be as honest with yourself as you can.

1. If $20,000 came to me unexpectedly, my first impulse would be: 
A. To spend it on things I really want, including gifts for others. 
B. To put it in my savings account. 
C. To feel so overwhelmed that I'd put off making decisions about it for quite a while. 
D. To invest it in order to make the biggest profits possible. 
E. To give most of it away and use it to make the world a better place.

2. When it comes to dealing with my money: 
A. I make sure that it never influences my life choices. 
B. I enjoy spending it on gifts for myself and others, and on whatever will give me immediate pleasure. 
C. I worry about it a lot and strategize how to make more and more of it. 
D. I hold on to it and enjoy thinking about the security it provides. 
E. I try not to think about it and hope it will take care of itself.

3. My goals about my money are: 
A. To save enough of it now so that I never have to worry about my old age. 
B. Unclear to me. 
C. To have enough of it to ensure that I can buy whatever I want. 
D. To have enough to satisfy my basic needs and then give the rest away. 
E. To make as much of it as possible, as quickly as possible.

4. When it comes to following a budget: 
A. I rework my budget often to figure out ways to have more money to spend and save.
B. I enjoy following mine closely. 
C. I take pride in living so simply that I've never needed a budget. 
D. I hate the word budget. I prefer spending plan! 
E. I don't have a budget and never want one. My money will take care of itself.

5. When it comes to spending money: 
A. I hope I'll have enough money to take care of unexpected expenses. 
B. I enjoy spending money, as long as I keep accumulating it at the same time. 
C. I'd rather save my money than spend it. Spending money makes me nervous. 
D. I don't follow where my money goes, and I don't want to. I focus on more important aspects of my life. 
E. I love spending money, and I tend to spend more than I earn.

6. I deal with financial record keeping as follows: 
A. I keep reworking my records, to figure out ways to make more money or to make my money work better for me. 
B. I'm not even sure which records I should be keeping. 
C. I enjoy keeping careful records. 
D. I keep some records but have trouble organizing them and finding them. 
E. I don't keep records. I hate to spend my time this way.

7. When it comes to saving money: 
A. I know I ought to be saving money, but I never seem to get around to it. 
B. I enjoy saving large amounts of money and spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how to save more. 
C. I have trouble saving money, and this bothers me sometimes. 
D. I save only for absolute necessities. 
E. Saving comes naturally to me. I am regular and consistent about it.

8. This is my attitude toward borrowing money: 
A. I try not to borrow money, but when I have, I find it hard to keep track of my progress in paying it back. 
B. I try never to borrow money from others. 
C. I'm willing to borrow large amounts if it will help me make more, but I worry about amassing debt if the profits don't show up quickly. 
D. I've borrowed money quite often, and I'm pretty casual about paying it back. 
E. I borrow only for absolute necessities.

9. When it comes to lending money: 
A. I'm pretty generous and don't worry too much about when I'll get it back. 
B. People tend not to ask me for money. That suits me fine. 
C. I wouldn't mind lending money, but people hardly ever ask me. 
D. I try never to lend money, but if I do, I expect to be paid back promptly. 
E. I don't mind lending money, if I get a good interest rate. I also worry about getting it back on time.

10. As far as credit cards are concerned: 
A. I prefer not to have credit cards at all. If I have one, I use it as little as possible. 
B. I tend to use credit cards often and make the minimum payment. 
C. I don't mind running up large charges, as long as I can pay them off quickly. I think about my credit card bills a lot. 
D. I don't take much notice of the status of my credit cards. I often forget to pay even the monthly minimum until I get a warning notice. 
E. I have always tended to avoid using credit. I prefer paying by cash or check.

11. When it comes to providing for emergencies: 
A. I don't have enough saved to provide for emergencies. I just hope for the best! 
B. I have no money set aside for emergencies, and I almost never think about what I would do if something bad were to happen. 
C. I keep thinking that I'll have enough to start saving for emergencies soon, but I'm still not quite there! 
D. I've put aside a sizable amount for emergencies, but I still worry about them! 
E. I try to save regularly for an emergency fund.

12. When it comes to paying my taxes: 
A. I scramble to get together some minimal records, just to get the taxes done. I'm always surprised at how much money I owe every year. 
B. I save regularly for taxes, and most years I complete my tax return well in advance of the deadline. 
C. I hate focusing on taxes and try to get them done with as little fuss as possible. 
D. I have trouble saving for taxes and doing my tax return, and I feel strapped every year before the deadline. E. I take pride in having more assets and paying lower taxes every year, if I can.

13. To feel totaly satisfied with my income, this is what I'd need: 
A. A few thousand more than I'm making now would be largely sufficient. 
B. Increasing my earnings by a large amount every year is what satisfies me -- $50,000 a year more would be nice! 
C. I suppose I could always use more money, but I have no idea how much more. 
D. I feel pretty satisfied with what I make right now. A big increase would make me feel uncomfortable. 
E. At least $10,000 to $20,000 more than I'm making now.

14. When it comes to investing in the stock market: 
A. I enjoy investing in the stock market, and I like to diversify to maximize my profits. 
B. I don't think about investing very often, but if I did invest, I'd want someone else to make those decisions for me. 
C. I choose "safe" and conservative investments. 
D. I'm not an expert at investing, but I think it would be fun to invest in more speculative stocks that might offer a high rate of return. 
E. I don't think about investing, but if I made any investments, I'd prefer those that were socially responsible.

15. When I want a certain item but it's not within my budget: 
A. Either I'll decide I don't really want it, or I'll buy it and figure out how to pay for it later. 
B. If I want it, I will buy it. I can always figure out a way to pay for it. 
C. I will buy it, whether I can afford it or not. 
D. Most of the things I want are not expensive luxury items, so I can afford them. If I do want something outrageous, I may buy it, but the purchase will make me feel very uncomfortable. 
E. If the item is important enough to me, I'll figure out how to adjust my budget to afford it. If it isn't that important, I'll forget about it.

16. When I'm feeling down in the dumps, spending money: 
A. Is the last thing I would do, putting some more money in savings might lift my spirits. 
B. Always cheers me up. 
C. Just makes me feel worse. Spending money has nothing to do with happiness. 
D. Is not what I think about to cheer myself up. 
E. In large amounts, and hatching plans to make more money, makes me feel better.

17. I would take (or have taken) a bank loan under these circumstances: 
A. To pay off debts, to go on vacations, or to buy something I really wanted. 
B. To finance my education -- maybe. (I've never borrowed money, and I never want to.) 
C. To set up or expand a business, or to make an investment that would yield a high return. 
D. To make essential repairs or to increase my future security. 
E. To deal with medical emergencies or other unforeseen circumstances but not for anything else.

18. I worry about money: 
A. Never. I worry about important things! 
B. A little bit all the time. But I do all I can to manage it well. 
C. Constantly. It's the main thing I worry about! 
D. Only when financial crises strike. 
E. Not very much. I just enjoy spending it!

19. When I think about providing for my future security: 
A. I am quite concerned that I won't have enough money in my future, since it's been so hard for me to save. B. I have such a difficult time thinking about money that all I can do is hope that the future will take care of itself! 
C. Since I make sure I have a lot of money at my disposal, the future will probably be fine. 
D. Considering how systematic I've been about saving for the future, I feel reasonably confident about it. 
E. I don't think about the future in financial terms. I have more important concerns, such as my quality of life in the future.

20. If I won a million dollars in the lottery, my first reaction would be: 
A. To feel guilty, thinking about the starving masses who have nothing. 
B. To feel shocked, a little overwhelmed, and very relieved that my future was now secure. 
C. To be totally overwhelmed -- I would have no idea how to handle it. 
D. To be very happy and pleased, and to immediately start thinking about how I could simultaneously make my money grow and use it for my own enjoyment. 
E. To be wildly excited, realizing that from now on I could buy anything I wanted!

Now that you've completed the quiz, here's the key to determine which combination of money personality types you tend to be:

• H = Hoarder
• S = Spender
• M = Money Monk
• V = Avoider
• A = Amasser

Refer to the following list as you score your answers, keeping count of how many H's, S's, M's, V's, and A's you've chosen.

Whichever letter (or letters) turns up most frequently in your answers is the one that represents your predominant money personality type (or types).

Brief description of major money types

• Hoarder. You enjoy holding on to your money. It may be difficult for you to spend money on luxury items or immediate pleasures for yourself and your loved ones.
• Spender. You probably love to use your money to buy whatever will bring you pleasure. You may have a hard time saving, budgeting, and delaying gratification for long-term goals.
• Money Monk. You may try to avoid having too much money. You'd feel guilty if a large amount of money came your way unexpectedly.
• Avoider. You tend to avoid performing various tasks of everyday money management. You may feel anxious or incompetent about dealing with money.
• Amasser. You're likely to be overly concerned with keeping large amounts of money at your disposal to spend, save, and invest. This preoccupation may be having a negative effect on your ability to enjoy your life in the moment.

Assessing your money personality

For now, you need only be concerned with answering the following questions:

• Which money type or types are you?
• Does your money personality cause you any difficulty in life, either as an individual or in dealing with your partner?
• What are one or two things about your relationship to money that you think you might like to change or modify in some way? (When answering this question, note that the changes don't have to be actions or behaviors, they can be feelings or attitudes about money as well.)

Here are some common responses:

• I'd like to stop going on shopping binges.
• I'd like to start saving for my future.
• I'd like to stop worrying about money so much.
• I'd like to stop feeling guilty when I buy myself something.
• I'd like to stop feeling bad that I don't make more money.
• I'd like to stop feeling ashamed/guilty about making too much money.
• I'd like to figure out how I sabotage my own attempts to make more money, so I can provide better for myself and my family.
• I'd like to stop procrastinating about paying bills and doing my taxes.
• I'd like to be more conscious of where I spend my money.

After answering these simple questions about sources of shame guilt, fear, and pride about money, and looking at the tendencies toward imbalance reflected in your money personality, you are ready to begin thinking about actions you can take or attitudes you can adopt to move toward more harmony in your moneylife.

Your first assignment

At least once a week, choose to do one thing that will increase your self-esteem about how you deal with your money. The more concrete your action is, the better. I'll give you some examples of weekly assignments.

• For hoarders:
• I will spend $25 or so on some frivolous gift for myself or a friend.
• I will refrain from reworking my budget to see how I can save more money -- in fact, I won't look at my budget once all week, and I'll see how that feels.
• For spenders:
• I will put $20 into my savings account.
• I will refrain from going on shopping binges.
• For money monks:
• I will buy myself something I've wanted for a while and notice how I feel about that act of "selfish pleasure."
• I will make a list of ways to use money that include giving to others and giving to myself.
• For avoiders:
• I will keep track of where I spend my money.
• I will sit down for one two-hour session in which I pay all the bills that are due and balance my checkbook.
• For amassers:
• I will spend less than 15 minutes a day checking my investments.
• I will engage in activities that don't involve money at all, such as going to a museum or packing a lunch and eating it in the park.

If you choose to do one of these assignments, remember to reward yourself for this new behavior, and monitor your reactions to it. Give yourself credit for taking your first step on the road to money harmony.

Your next challenge will be to explore your history with money. When you can see how the past impinges on the present, you'll be in a much better position to make improvements for the future.

This article has been edited and excerpted from Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships by Olivia Mellan. A psychotherapist and consultant in the field of money conflict resolution, Mellan shows you how your hidden, intense thoughts and feelings about money may be preventing you from dealing with it effectively -- and causing major stress in your life and relationships. This excellent book offers innovative exercises, dialogues, and other communication techniques to help you make positive changes in how you think about and deal with money, and to communicate more productively with your ex about money matters.

For more articles on financial planning during and after your divorce, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Financial_Planning.

You've already met with your family lawyer in Pasadena. You've gotten rid of her floral print love seat. You've moved into a respectable single man's apartment. You've gotten a new wardrobe. So when is it time to start dating again?

According to psychologists Sam Buser and Glen Sternes, authors of the book The Guys-Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce and on with Life, Sex and Relationships, men have to look at themselves first before they start dating again. Buser and Sternes recommend the same type of self-investigation process that women traditionally go through after a break-up. The pair says it is essential that a man be "truly over her" before running to the arms of another woman. The impulse, the doctors say, is for men to hop into a relationship before actually looking at what went wrong in their previous marriage.

"Divorce is one of the most painful experiences in our lives," Buser says. "And the natural instinct is to look to women as an antidote." Instead, Buser and Sternes advise that men ask themselves a series of honest questions to determine if they are ready to start dating or not. Questions like, "Have you stopped being pre-occupied with thoughts of your previous marriage or divorce" are included in the book to help men to address their emotional issues honestly.

Another issue facing newly-divorced men facing the dating scene is fear. Clinical psychologist Michael S. Broder says that fear keeps men and women alike from re-entering the dating world. "It can be fear of being hurt, rejected or involved, and it can stem from a history of having been hurt or of traumatic relationships," says Broder. He agrees with Buser and Sternes that looking inward can help conquer fear as well as foster a healthy dating life. Seeking out a support group or relying on male friends who have been divorced is a good way for newly-single men to sound off about their dating concerns. An open dialogue with others will help erase some of the fear and anxiety that often surrounds dating.

Lastly, when dating, Buser and Sternes tell guys to stay true to who they are, adding that "Being yourself means taking a little time to get to know yourself."

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Many times when people are seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, they are also wondering how to file a restraining order. We see couples in the news like Mel Gibson and ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva file dueling restraining orders. We hear about everyone from Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa to reality TV star Jack Osbourne filing restraining orders against harassing parties. Yet what do we actually know about restraining orders and how to file them?

First off, when should we file a restraining order? According to the LAPD's website, restraining orders are there to protect victims of civil and domestic abuse and/or violence -- so people who feel threatened or fear that abuse will continue should file restraining orders right away. On the other side of this, restraining orders shouldn't be filed simply out of spite or revenge. In California, restraining orders are reviewed carefully and judges do not look favorably on restraining orders that are a waste of time.

Next, which type of restraining order needs to be filed? There are several different types of restraining orders that an individual can file. A Civil Harassment Restraining Order is used to prevent harassment from neighbors, coworkers or other acquaintances, while a Domestic Violence Protective Restraining Order is a temporary measure that protects applicants for three weeks up to three years. Criminal Protective Orders, on the other hand, must be issued by a California District Attorney and pertain exclusively to active domestic violence cases. Finally, Emergency Protective Orders are issued by law enforcement agents and valid up to five days. Talk to your family attorney in Pasadena to figure out which kind of restraining order may be right for you.

What happens after the restraining order has been filed? Again, the point of restraining orders is to provide peace for the person who filed; legally, contact from the harassing party must stop immediately. Violation of a restraining order can mean jail time or further legal action from law enforcement. Communication after restraining orders have been filed is key. Letting close friends, your attorney, your family and, most importantly, the police, know if the respondent has contacted you is vital.

In the end, restraining orders aren't just juicy topics for tabloid fodder. They are a last resort legal action to be taken quiet seriously. If a you are being harassed, contact a family attorney in Pasadena to see if you need to file a restraining order.

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