Parent Alienation Syndrome: Divorce's Dirty Little Secret

Do you think that bad-mouthing your spouse to your children is just venting and not really damaging? Then think again.

Experts say that "ex-bashing" more often than not leads to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS is a growing concern among therapists, child psychologists and family lawyers in Pasadena. PAS, according to R.A. Gardner, who discovered the disorder, "arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent." Severe cases of PAS can result in kidnappings and psychological violence, but most commonly the disorder can damage a child's self-esteem and create feelings of fear and confusion. Fortunately, if you know the warning sings and where to get help, PAS can be treated and avoided.

PAS usually puts children in the middle of divorce warfare and in highly volatile situations. Things like a disregard for the child's possessions, forcing the child to give a parent information about the other parent, threatening a child into making custody decisions and manipulating a child into feeling bad for spending time with the other parent are signs that a parent may be experiencing PAS. Other red flags include financial blame placed on another parent, refusal to be flexible with visitation and making demands that contradict court orders.

Psychologists believe that PAS is caused by unresolved feelings of anger toward an estranged spouse. The feelings are repressed and then manifest in wild and dangerous behaviors. Childhood abandonment issues and the presence of a new spouse or lover also can trigger PAS. PAS can be avoided by seeking professional help during the divorce process. If you're experiencing these thoughts and behaviors, it's vital that you speak to someone so your child does not become a victim of your erratic behavior. Also, discussions about an ex should only happen when the child isn't in earshot. On the flip side, if your ex is displaying signs of PAS, seeking psychological help for your child is a great suggestion and your family attorney should be alerted right away if PAS has disrupted court-ordered arrangements.

The old adage for children during tough times is "let them know they are loved." This is especially true during divorce. Affirmations of love and support are the only weapons kids have when it looks like their world is falling apart. With open communication, education and resources, PAS doesn't have to be a part of our children's lives.

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