Kids, for the most part, have no problem being vocal about what they want. This can get tricky, especially when it comes to custody. In certain cases, kids insist on not spending time with one parent, often out of spite or hurt feelings. Other times, the child has legitimate reasons for not wanting to be around one of his or her parents. So do kids in California get to choose which parent they live with?

The short answer: No. Judges in Family Court as well as family law attorneys want what's best for kids, and they assume that the divorcing parents do, too. In the best case scenarios, everybody involved works hard so that the children get a fair and loving custody agreement. But things aren't always so easy. When it comes to teenagers (who, let's face it, are an unpredictable lot to begin with), many states allow teens to choose which parent they live with. Some states mandate that the child wait until they are older than 15 to make the decision. Again, this is complicated and shouldn't be done without help.

If, in fact, a child has reasons for wanting to live with a specific parent, it may be worth looking into. Sometimes a child lives with a parent who suffers from drug addiction, alcoholism or a mental disorder. Cases like Courtney Love and Britney Spears, both of whom lost custody of their kids, are more common than we'd like to think. Also, if there's a history of violence with one parent or a demanding career that forces a parent out of town frequently, a child may simply be saying, "this situation is bad and I don't want to be here."

Thankfully, in California (under the Family Law Code 3042), courts will listen to kids of a sufficient age and take serious concerns into consideration when granting or modifying custody. If there's enough evidence, a child's wish of whom they live with may be granted. The down side is that the child more than likely will have to appear before a judge and give testimony.

In the end, the great majority of parents wants kids to be happy, even in divorce. The big mistakes we make as human beings are those that happen when we don't ask for help. Asking the right questions and having people who care about you is one way to make a tough situation better.

By Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti

Why it's more than okay to be single.

Singleness is a time to emphasize investment in your own personal growth rather than in other relationships. A period of singleness enables you to build confidence in yourself so you can experience and enjoy being single as an acceptable alternative lifestyle, not as a time to be lonely. Living as a single person is an affirmation of strength and self -- not an embarrassing admission of failure. At this stage in the divorce process, you'll find yourself feeling more relaxed in the company of others - and no longer wasting emotional energy being a social chameleon. Post-marital guilt, self-doubts, and questions like "Will I ever love again?" are greatly diminished. Now is the time for some introspection about why it's perfectly okay to be single.

Were You Ever Really Single Before?

Many people never learned to be single persons before they married. They went from parental homes to marriage homes, never even considered that one could be happy living as a single person, and never questioned the myth that one married and lived happily ever after.

Mona lived with her parents until she married Joe. She went from pleasing one man, her father, to pleasing another man, her husband. When Joe first talked about leaving, she clung to him because the thought of living alone was terrifying. She had never learned to please herself. She had always been a dependent person, and now the thought of being independent, although challenging, was frightening to her. She was embarrassed because it really sounded silly to her that a woman of 25 did not know her own mind, or know what to do with her life.

Only gradually did she adjust to being alone. At first she searched for other relationships, something/someone to lean on. As she became more and more confident, she began doing more things for herself and enjoying it. She wallpapered a whole bedroom; sawed the boards and pounded the nails for a new patio fence; went to a movie by herself one afternoon while the kids were with Joe, and even enjoyed stumbling alone in the dark trying to find a seat. She invited the whole neighborhood in for a party. These activities left her feeling exhilarated, knowing that she did not need anyone. She became a good example of what it means to be an independent person.

Jim represents the male side of this same coin. He had been well cared for by his mother. The clothes were always washed and ironed, meals were on time, and even his room was kept clean. He could devote his time to school, school activities, and his job. When he entered college, he lived in a dorm. Again his meals were provided and he had a minimum of housekeeping chores. When he married Janet, she took over all the things his mother had always done. He felt independent and didn't realize how dependent he actually was. He found out when he left Janet. He was helpless in the kitchen, even in preparing the simplest meal, and had very little understanding of how to wash his clothes! You can pay for car maintenance, but it is difficult -- and very expensive -- to hire a full-time cook and housekeeper.

Gradually Jim's self-prepared meals improved. Finally he got brave enough to invite a female friend to his home to eat, and she was delighted with the meal he prepared. His clothes began to look more cared for. He was very pleased and proud when he learned to iron his own shirts! Learning to care for himself was like growing up -- and each accomplishment gave him a feeling of success and achievement.

"Me and My Shadow"

But the singleness I am talking about is much more than learning to do the tasks that someone else has done for you. It is a whole way of life.

Dating and love relationships are a good example. A typical comment from a recently-separated person might be, "I'll never make it as a single person; I need another love relationship." During the singleness stage, the same person might say, "Why get remarried? I can come and go as I please. I can eat whenever I feel like it. I don't have to adjust my daily living habits to another person. Being single sure feels good!" Before the singleness stage, one may be looking for the "lost half." But during this stage one reaches the point of comfort in going out alone. No longer is a "date" necessary to avoid embarrassment or a feeling of failure. The quality of relationships improves: now you're choosing the person you go out with, rather than taking whoever seems available. And the whole evening out may be spent sharing rather than needing. Other persons may be encountered and enjoyed for who they are, rather than as potential lifetime companions.

Single and Loving It

Many people spent their free, recreational time in the past doing what the spouse wanted or what they had learned to do with their parents. The assignment now is simply to take the time to develop a new interest, or to pursue something you may have wanted to do for a long time. It might be to learn to play the guitar, to paint, to drive a car, or to play a new sport. Participants who take this homework seriously find many new activities that they really enjoy; they no longer settle for what someone else enjoyed.

Singleness is a time for being a responsible adult. Because the roles we act out in our relationships are so closely related to our internal attitudes and feelings, we change inside as we change our external roles. It is easier to do this in the singleness stage than when we are in permanent love relationships. A neutral environment facilitates both internal and external changes. The singleness stage is a key period to make the internal changes in attitudes and feelings necessary for personal growth.

"I'm Glad To Be Single Again . . . Or Am I?"

Not everything is rosy in the singleness stage, of course. Research shows that single people may still not fare as well economically. Single persons are passed over for promotions, looked upon as fair game romantically and sexually. Despite recent laws prohibiting sexual harassment, single women in particular may be pressured or feel discriminated against in the workplace. There are other situations that make single people feel uncomfortable. Alexa complained about her child's Sunday School class. When the teacher asked the children to draw pictures of their families, Alexa's son drew a picture of himself, his sister, and his mother -- which was his family. The teacher made him draw a picture of a man in the family because, "We all know that a family consists of both a father and a mother!" Alexa expressed her negative feelings by talking directly with the minister of the church.

Ursula went to church on Mother's Day and the sermon was about marital love. Although she was a mother, she felt completely left out of the sermon. It was a depressing day in church for her. She wrote a letter to the minister explaining her feelings.

Schools are often an irritating problem when you are a single parent. The PTA chairperson calls and asks that Johnny's parents run the dart show. The single-parent father explains that he is single but would be willing to come alone. The chairperson informs him that it takes two to run the show and she will ask someone else to handle it. PTA meetings themselves are often couple-oriented; you can feel really single and alone when you attend without a partner. You come alone to a parent-teacher conference, and the teacher informs you that "all of the problem children in the room have just one parent," and that's why she wanted to see you. Your child may not be getting "the parenting she needs," and perhaps that's why she is doing so poorly in her school work. What's more, your daughter is "so boy crazy for a fifth grader!" It is implied that if Mom had a "permanent" relationship with one man, Janie would have a better attitude toward males. You feel angry, vulnerable, and defenseless. What can you say?

You can develop some assertive responses for the most common put-downs and discriminatory acts. You can help to educate others, while maintaining your own integrity, by responding firmly. You'll feel better inside, too, rather than going away fuming!

Here's an example: in response to the teacher who insists Janie would be better off in a two-parent household, you might try something like this, "You're right -- being a single parent isn't easy. But Janie and I are doing fine these days, and I don't agree that her school performance is suffering because of my divorce. I'll be glad to work with you on special homework or tutoring or other efforts to improve her schoolwork. What suggestions do you have for her study habits? Will you give her extra assignments?"

That way, you're not accepting her put-down, or letting her blame your personal life for Janie's school problems. The responsibility for school work is focused back where it belongs -- on teacher-student-parent cooperation, not on your love life.

Successfully Single

It often takes a great deal of inner security to handle the singleness stage successfully. Much of the discussion in this article concerns the internal feelings present in the singleness stage. If you have worked your way through the prior stages, it is likely that you will be able to experience the peacefulness and calmness that occurs in the singleness stage. You may become slightly upset about the attitudes of others, but you'll be strong enough to handle them. Learn from the external prejudices and use them to become more secure in your own internal feelings.

Singleness can be one of the most productive stages you go through, in the sense that the old wounds can really be healed. Dealing with the external discrimination may help you to become stronger inside.

One caution: Singleness is an easy stage in which to become stuck. If you have not worked through all of the leftovers concerning marriage and intimacy, you may use the singleness stage as a place to hide. It may sound like the singleness stage when you hear someone say, "I'll never marry again." But in many ways that is the opposite of genuine singleness. Fear of intimacy, avoidance of feelings, and opposition to marriage as though it were the worst institution in our society -- all indicate that the person is stuck. The goal is to be free to choose singleness or remarriage, not to stay single forever.

Singleness has become an acceptable alternative in our society. When I was a child, a single person was looked upon in our community as somewhat weird, one who just did not quite make it to the altar. After all, the family was the cornerstone of society. Attitudes are changing; at a talk I gave on love relationships, one woman wanted to know why we had to keep talking about relationships. Was not it just as valid to talk about remaining single? Did we have to keep looking toward being in a relationship as the ideal? The fact that there are approximately a million divorces in the United States each year makes singleness more acceptable for many. The large number of formerly married people in our society has brought about many changes in attitudes toward singleness. Perhaps we are becoming more accepting of individual differences? Let's hope so!

Children and Singleness

Singleness is an important rebuilding block for children, too. They need to learn to be single, individual, independent-from-parents people before they marry for the first time. If children can see and understand the importance of singleness, it will give them a much better chance to develop successful love relationships in their futures.

Parenting is different during the singleness stage. In earlier stages parents frequently bend themselves out of shape trying to make sure they are lovable, datable, and okay in many other ways. The kids often suffer; their needs are put on the "back-burner." In the singleness stage, parents usually are more responsive to the needs of the kids. They have begun to rise above their own emotional needs.

How Are You Doing as a Single Person?

During the singleness stage, you can see the real world much better. You can know yourself much better. You understand people, and your interactions with people, much better. Your viewpoint of life is much broader. Before the crisis occurred, your vision was limited. Now you see and understand concepts never before understood.

Ask yourself these questions to gauge your progress:

1. I am comfortable being single.
2. I can be happy as a single person.
3. I am comfortable going to social events as a single person.
4. I see being single as an acceptable alternative lifestyle.
5. I am becoming a whole person rather than a half-person looking for my other lost half.
6. I am spending time investing in my own personal growth rather than looking for another love relationship.
7. I can look at my friends as people I want to be with rather than as potential love partners.
8. If I have children and family, I can spend time enjoying being with them rather than begrudging the time they take from my personal life.
9. I have found internal peace and contentment as a single person.

---

From Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd edition by Bruce Fisher and Robert E. Alberti. Adapted with permission of Impact Publishers., P.O. Box 6016, Atascadero CA 93423. Further reproduction prohibited.

The idea of visitation with your own child is a ridiculous concept. Parents do not visit their children; parents live with their children. Your child has two parents who no longer live in the same home, so you each must take turns living with the child -- even if it is only for a few hours or for a weekend. Here's some advice for the custodial and non-custodial parent.
By Brette McWhorter Sember

Advice for the Non-Custodial Parent

You used to live in the same house with your child, and your activities together developed naturally. Now you see your child for visitation, and everything feels artificial. It can be hard to figure out how to have a normal life with your child when you see each other on a schedule. The first thing to do is just relax! You and your child love each other, and it really doesn't matter what you actually do as long as you're spending time together. Although you may experience bumps in the road as your child ages and as situations change, generally speaking, it will get easier.

• You Are Not an Entertainer
  
  Many non-custodial parents feel as if they must entertain their children when they're together (often called the "Disneyland Dad Syndrome"). When you lived in the same house with your child, were you responsible for his or her constant entertainment? Of course not. You were two people, living under the same roof, who shared some activities. This isn't going to be as easy anymore simply because your time together is scheduled, feels more formal, and is shorter than it used to be. Some changes will be necessary, but cultivate the attitude that you're living together and that your time together is not some sacred institution that must be recognized with continual exciting events and fast-food dinners. You need to get back to being comfortable with each other.

• Continuing Daily Activities
  
  Make the time you spend together feel comfortable and natural. Don't rent five videos or make plans to have a heart-to-heart chat unless this is something you normally would have done. Get out of bed when you normally would, eat together, watch TV together, play some games, but also allow for some alone time. You can be in the same home without constantly interacting with each other. It's OK to answer the phone, take out the trash, read the paper, or do your hair. The fact that you're able to act naturally will reassure your child and let him or her know that this is a real home and not a vacation spot. On the other hand, when your child is with you, you shouldn't ignore him or her.

• Making Your Child Part of Your Home
  
  Your child now has two homes. Make your child comfortable in your home by giving him or her a bedroom or at least some space to call his or her own. Encourage your child to arrange and decorate the room as it suits him or her. Do not splurge or overspend on the set up of this room.
  
  Buy or borrow what is needed to make it comfortable and livable. Purchasing one or two special things is fine, but your goal is not to make this your child's fantasy room to compensate for the divorce or separation, or to try to convince him or her it would be better to live with you.
  
  Encourage your child to really live in your home -- by using the TV, the stereo, the dishwasher, the shower, having friends over, and so forth. Expect your child to clean up his or her own messes and perform some household chores. This is an important part of really feeling ownership of a space.
  
  Refer to the home as "our home," not as "my home." Your home will always be your child's home -- even if he or she isn't there all the time.

• Finding New Things to Do
  
  Visitation is your big chance to expand your child's horizons. Have you always wanted to take your child kite-flying? Do you think your child might be interested in starting a collection of some kind? Try new things a little at a time and see how you both like them. You can do things that you never would have been able to do with the other parent along. Don't be afraid to give new things a chance. Give both you and your child permission to experiment and try new things together.

• Going Out
  
  Just as you when you lived under the same roof, sometimes you will want to go out with your child. Plan things that you will both enjoy, but remember not to overplan. Get input from your child about where he or she would like to go, and choose age-appropriate activities. Be sure to include visits to your family; children need to remain connected to their extended families. If you have your child with you for a weekend, one event or big outing is plenty. Continue to do normal errands and outings as needed. Simply riding in the car together is a great opportunity to talk and be together.

• Ideas for Visitation Activities
  
  It can be hard to decide what you should do together during visitation. Remember that your child may have activities such as sports practice or a friend's birthday party scheduled during your time; make sure you plan around these.
  
  You will probably find that as you have more time alone with your child, you will find more and more things to do together, and you will be willing to try things that you never would have when you lived together. Remember to be yourself, and if you are not comfortable with the thought of a certain activity or outing, then just don't plan it. If you are simply terrified of water, then it is silly to plan to take your child fishing. Your child loves you for who you are, not for the things you plan.

Try some of these ideas for things to do together:

Play cards or a board game Do a word or jigsaw puzzle Build a model from a kit Paint or draw Take a walk Rent a movie Play a computer or video game Make a snowman Make a scrapbook of your time together Cook something together Do a craft project together Toss a ball around outside Draw your dream houses Make up a story together Brush the dog Do yoga, tai kwan do, or other exercises Wash the dishes or clean the house Dance Read aloud to each other Invite family members over Plan a party or vacation Plant a garden Go for a bike ride Do car repairs together Watch birds Design a family crest Paint the child's room Use a telescope Tell your child stories about him/ herself Play hide-and-go-seek Talk about what's happening at school or in the news Do homework (you do some of your work while your child does schoolwork, or assist your child when needed)  Watch TV and talk about what you are watching Start a stamp collection Research bugs

Paint a room Research your family history or genealogy or the meanings of your names Go to the park Go to the library Go to a make your own pottery shop Go to a movie Do volunteer work together Watch a sporting event Get your hair cut together Go to an amusement park Visit friends or relatives Go to a museum Go kite-flying Walk around city hall Ride a bus or the subway Go camping, even if for an afternoon Pick flowers or collect rocks Go to the zoo Take a nature walk Take a class together (such as art, karate, dance, horseback riding, etc.) Go hiking, skiing, sledding, skating, bike-riding, rollerblading, or canoeing Attend local puppet shows and children's performances Attend story-time at a library or bookstore Browse around a book or music store Hang out with friends who have kids the same age Go on a picnic Go grocery shopping for a meal you plan to make together Attend a concert

• Vacations
  
  Your parenting plan may include a long period of time each year for you and your child to vacation together. Remember that you do not have to actually go anywhere during this time. Staying at home is absolutely fine. You should try, however, to arrange your schedule so you can spend a large portion of this time with your child. If you do decide to travel or go somewhere, give the other parent a phone number where you can be reached, as well as the dates you will be gone. Try to involve your child in planning the trip. Give your child the opportunity to call the other parent while you are away. If this is the first time your young child has been away from the other parent for an extended period of time, expect there to be some separation anxiety. Deal with it by being loving, tolerant, allowing contact with the other parent by phone or Internet, and by simply using distraction.
  
  You may feel nervous or apprehensive about spending a long period of time alone with your child. It may take some adjustment, but you and your child really will be fine together. Try not to have high expectations, and be patient.

• Interference With Visitation
  
  Unfortunately, there are some custodial parents who try to sabotage or interfere with visitation. If you suspect this is your situation, first try to take a hard look at what is happening. Are you misinterpreting things? Are you being overly sensitive? If your ex is truly doing things that interfere with your visitation, try to talk to him or her calmly. Explain how important visitation is to your child and how all children need two parents. Explain that you are not trying to interfere in the other parent's life, make things difficult, or hurt anyone's feelings by exercising your visitation rights. You just love your child and want to spend time with him or her. It has nothing to do with your relationship with the other parent. Talk about ways to solve the problems you are experiencing. Maybe a schedule change would help things.
  
  If none of this helps, and the other parent continues to deny you visitation at your scheduled times or is consistently late getting the child to you for visitation, you need to speak to your lawyer.

Advice for the Custodial Parent

You may feel that, in many ways, your hard work is done. You take the time to make sure you have a good relationship with your child, and anything the other parent does or doesn't do isn't your problem.

Actually, this really isn't the case. You need to encourage visitation and your child's relationship with the other parent to make sure that your child is able to handle it and get the benefits from it.

If you feel your ex-spouse is not the greatest parent, it is even more important that you support and encourage visitation since he or she may not be completely on top of it. Part of your responsibility as a custodial parent is making sure that your child benefits from a continued relationship with his/her other parent.

• Talking to Your Child About Visitation
  
  The one thing to remember when communicating with your child, verbally and non-verbally, is that you must be positive and encouraging about the time he or she spends with the other parent. Your actions convey as much information as your words. If you slam the door when the other parent leaves, speak to him or her in a hostile voice, or allow your body language to convey your anger, this information will get through to your child and inform him or her that you really wish he or she wasn't spending time with the other parent. This is hurtful and confusing to children and teens alike.
  
  Sometimes, children act as if they don't want to go with the other parent; your job is to make sure that they do. Sometimes, children act as if they can't wait to get away from you; your job is not show any resentment or anger about this. You are, of course, going to have emotional reactions to these two situations. The key is not to show them around your child if possible.

• Your Responsibility for Visitation
  
  When the court gave you custody of your child, the judge also gave you the responsibility for making sure your child continued to have the other parent in his or her life. In fact, if you interfere with or try to avoid visitation, this can be the basis for a change of custody. You have a responsibility to make sure that visitation is a priority in your child's life. Do not schedule your child for a regular activity on the other parent's day without discussing it with your ex or seeing what arrangements can be made. Make sure you emphasize to your child that visitation must be given priority in his or her life.

• When Your Child Doesn't Want to Go
  
  Most children reach a point where one day they say that they do not want to go on visitation. Visitation is not optional for your child, just as it is not optional for you. Spending time with one's parents is a lifelong commitment. When your children are adults, they can decide for themselves if they wish to continue their relationships with their parents. While they are children, they don't have this choice. You are the parent and you must make sure that your child follows the rules that have been created for your family. Furthermore, you have been ordered by the court to allow visitation at scheduled times. If you do not, you are violating a court order and can be held in contempt of court, which can mean jail time and fines, not to mention the fact that you could lose custody.
  
  If your child refuses to go, you are responsible for making sure he or she goes. Use the discipline techniques that are effective with your child (note: physical punishment is never an effective discipline technique): take away privileges, take away cherished items, and so on.
  
  You and your ex must present a united front on this matter. You must both act as if the scheduled time is going to happen and you must not give in. If you give in and allow your child to stay home with you once, it becomes clear to the child that he can play one of you off the other, that you don't mean what you say, and that you're not serious about how important time with the other parent is.
  
  If you think that you "win" by keeping your child home, you're mistaken. You're effectively denying your child his or her right to have two parents that love and care for him or her -- through good times and bad times.

• When Your Child Would Rather Be There
  
  There will be times when he or she will not want to come home or will make noise about preferring to be with his/her other parent. All of this is normal, and it is something you just have to get through. Again, you have to stick to your guns and to your schedule. Children don't get to choose where they live and which parent they would rather be with. You and the other parent must make sure your child understands that you both will always listen to what he or she has to say, but that the parents are the ones who make the decisions about living arrangements.
  
  All that being said, there are circumstances where a change of custody would be the best thing for a child. It is common for teens to have a real need to spend more time with the parent of the same sex. Should it become clear that your child truly wants and needs to live with the other parent, you may need to re-think your arrangements. Talk with a family therapist or counselor to work out what would be best for your child.

• Helping Your Child With Long-Distance Visitation
  
  If the other parent lives far away, you need to develop some strategies for helping your child cope with long-distance visitation. Even though your child is physically separated from the other parent, this doesn't mean they have to be out of touch or emotionally separated. Encourage your child and the other parent to share regular phone calls. If the other parent can't handle the expense, maybe you could share the cost. You can also encourage people to give your child phone call gift cards.
  
  Encourage them to send each other letters and packages. Set up an e-mail account for your child, or use an online instant messenger program so that the child and other parent can communicate quickly and easily. They can send each other faxes, post things on a private website, or see each other via web cams. There are also computer games you can buy, such as "JumpStart Baby" (from The Learning Company), that allow the child and other parent to play a computer game together over the Internet. Take photos your child can send to the other parent. Send copies of report cards and videotapes of recitals.
  
  When the other parent and your child do see each other in person, it will need to be in bigger chunks of time than the typical visitation schedule. If your child is very young, it makes more sense for the other parent to come to your area so that the child can continue to have time with both parents. As a child grows, he or she will be able to visit the other parent out of town. Think about how you will arrange transportation. Perhaps one of you could drive the child there and the other parent could drive the child home. Some parents are comfortable allowing their children to fly alone, and airlines can make accommodations for this so that an employee will escort the child.
  
  While your child is away with the other parent, make sure that you have frequent telephone and/or e-mail contact so that the child knows you are still accessible to him or her.

• Coping With All That "Stuff"
  
  One of the main things parents argue about is their child's belongings. "You didn't send any clean underwear," "How could you forget to bring his soccer uniform back?" or "What do you mean you can't find the pacifier?" Dealing with your child's "stuff" is one of the biggest difficulties you may have to cope with.
  
  It is a good idea to set some ground rules about the belongings. There are some items that will need to travel with the child, such as school books, instruments, sports equipment, special toys or blankies, coats and shoes. It is best if the other parent is encouraged to provide some items that can stay at his or her home. He or she can purchase some clothes, toys, books, and so on to keep at his or her home, or maybe there are some items you are willing to send from your home that can stay at the other home. This will reduce the amount of items being exchanged.
  
  Laundry is a heated point of contention with some parents. The best policy is to return the clothes that belong at the other house laundered. Older children can take on this responsibility themselves.
  
  Develop a system for making sure the right items go with your child on visitation. It may be helpful to post a list on your refrigerator or bulletin board so that nothing is forgotten while packing. In the beginning, you will need to assist with packing. It will take a while for your child to get into the swing of this. Children over age eight should be encouraged to start to manage their belongings themselves.
  
  If your child returns home and essential items are missing, you'll need to contact your ex and arrange for him/her to drop them off or for you to go pick them up. Encourage the other parent to use a list to keep track of what needs to come home. You can also send a checklist of everything you have packed if you think this will help. You may wish to use a marker chart so the list can remain permanent. You can mark items off each time in erasable marker.

• Things to Say About Visitation
  • It is important to me that you spend time with your mom/dad.
  • I want you to spend time with Mom/Dad because she/he is your other parent and that will never change.
  • Yes, I'll miss you, but I'm glad you'll have some time with Mom/Dad.
  • Have fun! See you when you come home.
  • I'm sorry you don't feel like going, but today is your day to be with Mom/Dad.

  • He/She will always be your mom/dad, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

• Things Not to Say About Visitation
  • I wish I could go, too.
  • Well, I guess you'll just have to miss the big family reunion at the beach since you'll be with Mom/Dad. Too bad.
  • You'd rather be with him/her anyhow, so just go.
  • Wouldn't you rather just stay here with me and rent a movie?
  • I'm so nervous when you're alone with him/her.

  • I don't know why you want to go with him/her.

• Easing Transitions
  
  For most children, the transition from one parent to another is the most difficult part of visitation. To make transitions easier when you pick up your child, you should talk about what you have planned and what you will be doing that day. When you are dropping off your child, talk about what he or she will be doing with the other parent and when he or she will see you next. Transitions are hard with older kids and teens as well; they may close up or become shy.
  
  To ease the transition at the end of your time together, tell the child in advance when the time will be up and give some additional reminders, such as two hours before, one hour before, and half an hour before. When you part, make sure to point to the next time you will be together and make some reference to what you will be doing together then. Also point out if you will have phone or e-mail contact before then. This emphasizes the ongoing nature of your relationship and provides a viable link to your next time together. Here are some ways to ease transitions:

  • Transition in a public place or at a relative's home.
  • Use the beginning or ending of school as a transition time so the child does not go directly from one parent to the other.
  • Don't shoehorn your child from one parent's car to the other's. Spend a few minutes somewhere before popping him or her back in a car.
  • Give him or her some space to adjust. Allow some quiet individual time before getting into an activity together.
  • Keep your thoughts or complaints about the other parent under wraps. Don't use transition time to have a discussion.
  • Be polite and friendly to the other parent. Smile!
  • Try not to rush. Being frantic just makes things worse.
  • Make it clear you're happy to see your child when your time together begins.

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This article has been edited and excerpted from The Visitation Handbook for the Custodial and Non-Custodial Parent: Your Complete Guide to Parenting Apart by Brette McWhorter Sember. This book is actually two books in one: one side for each separated/divorced parent who must now figure out how to share their children. The two parts address the unique concerns, situations, emotions, and practical problems faced by the custodial and the non-custodial parent. Written by a divorce attorney, this book is filled with practical advice from her own experience with families facing the challenges of shared parenting.

A "divorce hangover" is the unfinished emotional experience of a divorce. This hangover can be healed: divorce doesn't have to be a permanent state of being, a condition that keeps you trapped in chronic pain or numbness. It's the end of one phase of your life, and regardless of whether it was by choice or not, it can be the beginning of a happier, more satisfying one.
By Anne Newton Walther

Divorce is a profound, life-changing experience. It's painful, it's confusing, and it turns your world upside down. But at some point, it should be over.

If it's not -- if the pain, anger, resentment, depression, or emotional confusion seem to go on forever -- then you're in the clutches of a divorce hangover. A hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past.

You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. To do that, you must first understand the divorce hangover.

Pain That Won't Stop

Jan thought her divorce was over when the judge's gavel swung down and the decree was final, but months later she was still crying herself to sleep.

She thought the pain and frustration would end when she received the financial settlement, but she still caught herself lashing out for no apparent reason at the children and strangers. There were days when her emotions, her finances, and her life seemed completely out of control.

Later, she thought the anger and resentment would finally end when she moved to a new city...when she began seeing someone and remarried...when her ex-husband, Tom, remarried and had a child.

But the knot in her stomach still hasn't gone away, even after eight years. She still finds herself replaying the marriage and divorce over and over in her mind, and often feels angry, depressed, or victimized when she thinks about Tom. Sometimes it doesn't take much to set her off -- a wedding invitation, parents' night at the kids' school, a Fourth of July picnic, anything that reminds her of all that she has lost.

For Jan, the emotional loose ends and unresolved bad feelings have become a habit. Ever since the divorce, she feels as if she's living at only half-speed, or underwater. Her feelings about Tom and the divorce still control her life. So much of her attention and energy are focused on the past -- which she can do nothing to change -- that she sees even her new marriage to John through the filter of this "failure."

Jan's "hangover" has little to do with external events like signing the final papers or starting to see other people. Rather, it is an internal state of mind that she carries with her everywhere as a shield against the loss, change, pain, and devastation of her divorce -- and the fear that something even worse could happen in the future. This shield, which is keeping her from moving forward with her life, is a divorce hangover. And Jan is not alone.

Hangover scenarios

Does any of these situations sound familiar?

• Seven years after the divorce, Fran calls her ex-husband's new wife, Isabella, and shrieks into the phone, "Give me my husband, you bitch!" Robert, now Isabella's husband, passively sits by, refusing to get an unlisted phone number, thereby causing a rift in his present marriage.
• George has been divorced for three years and is happily remarried, but he continues to pay for his first wife's subscription to TV Guide.
• Stacy continues to drive the old Mustang that she and Rick shared when they were married, even though she can afford a new car. Each time it breaks down, she calls Rick immediately, convinced that he is the only one who can fix it.
• Jennifer, 10, tells her mother "all kinds of things" after weekends with her father, particularly about his "rotten new girlfriend." She will do anything to keep her divorced parents "together," even if their only connection is arguing on the phone.
• Two years after his divorce, Ed is still living in the same small apartment, complaining about the unfair financial settlement. He bitterly claims he doesn't have enough money to date and spends his energy bad-mouthing his ex to anyone who'll listen.
• Allen's ex-wife, Judy, has been living with her boyfriend ever since their divorce four years ago, but he still thinks she will one day come back to him.
• Mary "accidentally" packs dirty clothes for the children's weekends with Dan, remembering how much he always hated to do the laundry.
• Bart is convinced that the only reason his ex-wife isn't marrying her "live-in" is that it would end his alimony payments to her.

While the legal process of divorce is fairly simple -- one entity is divided into two separate entities -- the emotional experience of divorce can be complex and devastating. When a divorce does not promote healing and lay the past to rest, you feel the pain and paralysis of a divorce hangover. Divorce hangover is the unfinished emotional experience of the divorce.

When you have a divorce hangover, life is a battlefield, and unfortunately, you and the people in your life are often the worst casualties. Anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, and frustration can also cause physical illness if you keep them around for long periods of time. Ultimately, you only hurt yourself with vengeful or bitter thoughts and actions.

Recognize your Hangover

Recognizing your hangover is the first step towards healing the pain. You're in the grip of the divorce hangover if:

• You still have strong emotional ties to your ex-spouse. These ties may be negative -- a confusing, chaotic storm of anger, depression, bitterness, fear, resentment, guilt, blame, anxiety, or frustration -- but they still keep you connected. You get upset when you think of your ex-spouse or hear his or her name, even bursting into tears if something reminds you of that person. You think about what you could do to get back at the other person, or what you could do to get him or her back.
• Your energy is galvanized by these feelings; sometimes, they're the only things that get you going or keep you going.
• You feel victimized by your ex-spouse, the lawyers, or the divorce in general. You want your ex-spouse to be punished, to suffer for all he or she has done to you...or you just want to crawl under a rock, letting the world go on without you.
• You think obsessively about your ex-spouse. You wonder who he or she is seeing; what sex is like with that new partner; how your ex-spouse looks now; what he or she would think of the person you're seeing; what it would be like if you got back together; and whether there was something you could have done to avoid the divorce -- or you look back in anger, preoccupied with what your ex-spouse did to you or what you're going to do to him or her.
• You see him or her more often than necessary. You could have called a plumber to fix the faucet, a decorator to arrange the living room furniture, your mother for a recipe, or a financial advisor about buying this or that stock -- but you didn't. Instead, you called your ex-spouse. You could have handled that matter with the kids or the finances over the phone, but instead you met for cocktails.
• The past seems more real to you than the present.
• You still feel as if your life is on hold.

These feelings can be conscious or unconscious, explosive or subtle. If they focus your attention and energy on the past, or if they make you angry, anxious, depressed, or wistful about what might have been, then they are not healthy. As long as you are still emotionally engaged and entangled with your ex-spouse in these ways, you can't live in the present or move forward into the future.

The divorce hangover doesn't discriminate. It can affect anyone, regardless of sex, social or financial status, or even who initiated the divorce. And it doesn't matter how long ago your divorce happened. If you still think about it or about your ex-spouse in emotionally charged ways, if your fists clench or your body tightens when you hear his or her name, if that former life is as real to you as your present life, then it's time to stop and take stock of where you are.

Healing your hangover

Everyone experiencing divorce is held in a maze of devastating emotions. The one that seems to be the most shattering and the hardest to endure is loneliness. The fear of being alone has held many in intolerable marriages.

Friends and clients alike speak of the loneliness of divorce and afterward. "I have been divorced for 15 years," one said. "The pain is as sharp and exhausting today as it was the moment the whole thing began. Maybe even more so." In order to escape, anything is preferable -- running to relationships, bad or good; alcohol; drugs; work -- to numb the pain.

You can cure your divorce hangover. It may take some patience and attention, but the most important ingredient is your own desire to be free of the hangover.

STEP 1: Move from feeling to thinking

The emotional tailspin of a divorce hangover is fueled by feelings of anger, depression, confusion, and loss of control. It's a vicious circle. As long as you are in an emotional tailspin, you are motivated by fear -- and fear feeds the tailspin. Before you can do anything else, you have to stop that downward spiral.

It's hard even to do grocery shopping or walk across the street when you're in an emotional tailspin. You're at the end of your rope. One more question from the kids, one more bill in the mail, one more harsh word from your boss, one more "chance meeting" with your ex-spouse's new partner, and you're going to lose it.

Tailspins don't stop by themselves; you have to pull yourself out of them. At some point, you have to reach out and consciously begin to manage your emotions. This will become easier to do as you begin to understand how the hangover starts, what keeps it in place, what yours looks like, what it's protecting you from, and how you can release it.

The minute you start to consider those answers, you begin a mental process that pulls you out of the emotional freefall. At this point, you start to take charge.

Moving from feelings to rational thinking is the way to stop the emotional tailspin. If you can think about something, you can put it outside of yourself. You may still have some of those feelings, but they don't have you.

Step 1 Exercises

1. At the time of the divorce, which feelings hit you the hardest? Rank the following: anger, depression, anxiety, tiredness, fear, loss, helplessness, aloneness, bitterness, vindictiveness, feeling exploited, others.
2. What are your feelings now?
3. What caused and continues to cause these feelings?
4. What can you do about each of these feelings?

STEP 2: Answer the key questions

If you're in the process of a divorce now, these questions will be the basis for all your other decisions and help you avoid a hangover. If you're healing a hangover, they will help you clarify what really happened in your marriage and divorce, why it happened, how your hangover developed, and what you can do about it now.

Here are the key questions:

1. Was your divorce inevitable?
2. What was the cause of your divorce?
3. What were your expectations going into the marriage?
4. How long did you want it to take to get the divorce?
5. What was your first priority in the divorce?
6. What was the greatest benefit to you?

As you answer these questions, you'll begin to see exactly how your hangover took shape.

1. Was your divorce inevitable?

This is the first question you should ask; not asking it is a primary cause of the confusion surrounding divorce. If your divorce was inevitable, then at least you know that you're in the right place. You can put to rest forever all the doubts, worries, fears, and second-guessing about whether you did the right thing. You did! There was never really an alternative.

This seems like an obvious question, but I know some very bright men and women who never asked it and spent the next 20 years wondering:

• "If I'd given in on that one issue, would we still be together?"
• "If he'd just stopped drinking, would the kids have had a father over those important years?"
• "Maybe if we'd seen a therapist, or if I'd just overlooked those two affairs...we might be happy today."

This kind of backward, "coulda, woulda, shoulda" thinking keeps you trapped in the past. It can also keep you trapped in the present when it's time to move on. In deciding whether or not to stay in a relationship, I've heard equally bright men and women say things like:

• "He just drinks because he doesn't know what it is to be really loved. I'll show him, and then things will be better."
• "I'm sure once we're married awhile, she'll change her mind and want to have kids."
• "If I'm patient with him, he'll open up to me emotionally."

These people were all walking into a trap, the false hope that maybe the other person would change. None of us would be divorced if it were possible to change other people into who we think they should be. Thinking that the other person will change is like dropping a pencil and expecting it to fall up instead of down. Things just don't work that way. Rather than thinking about how things might have worked out, the question to ask is: "If the other person had never changed -- and if I had never changed -- would I still have wanted to stay in that relationship?"

As you were then, and as the other person was then, would it have worked? Answering this question eliminates all the false hopes, the self-delusions, and the "what if's."

Notice that the question is not "Did you want your divorce?" but "Was your divorce inevitable?" You know the answer. Face it head on. If the other person wanted to leave, and especially if there was a third party involved, it probably was inevitable. If your ex-spouse was involved in something you couldn't live with -- alcoholism, compulsive spending, etc. -- you may not have wanted the divorce, but it may have been the only real choice between two evils.

The inevitability of the divorce is your take-off point, the basic piece of information to which you can always return when you feel yourself waffling. Eventually you must come to feel there was nothing you could have done then, and there is nothing you can do now to bring that marriage back. You must believe that any effort in that direction is a waste of time. Then you'll see that the only direction to look now is ahead.

2. What was the cause of your divorce?

Some of the most common reasons people give for divorce are drug or alcohol abuse, sexual differences or preferences, infidelity, physical violence, difficulties with the balance of power, money problems, children, and in-laws.

But other, more subtle reasons have surfaced only in the past 30 years or so, as personal growth and fulfilling relationships have become more important in our culture. Today, we are less willing to tolerate stagnant or psychologically destructive marriages.

You may wake up one morning and realize that there is nothing there. You may feel you are in a cage and the walls are closing in. This situation can be psychologically punishing, and in many ways as damaging as being physically abused, even if it appears that the other person isn't doing any intentional or tangible harm.

We are much more alert and sensitive to these kinds of issues today than we used to be. Before the revelations and revolutions of the 1960s, people were more inclined to stay married and turn to affairs, drugs or alcohol, prolonged absences, or whatever they could find to dull the pain of a marriage that wasn't working. Today we deal with the issue more directly, and sometimes that involves ending the relationship.

Having differences doesn't have to be a recipe for disaster. They can be worked out and this process can actually strengthen and enrich a relationship. But often when we feel that our needs aren't being met, or that our desires aren't being recognized and appreciated, we have a tendency to withdraw from the relationship, to stop loving or expressing our love as much. That makes the other person withdraw, and can eventually create hurts that are hard to mend.

3. What were your expectations going into the marriage?

We all grew up hearing about Cinderella and Prince Charming and may unconsciously hold these stories as life truths. Whether or not we are aware of it, some part of us may still believe that good, passive, beautiful girls get magical help to find eternal love with rich, handsome princes -- or that brave, dashing boys who persevere always find gorgeous, angelic girls who become perfect, devoted wives.

Sometimes our expectations about marriage aren't much more realistic.

Many women think, "I'm going to open up this strong, silent husband of mine. With me, his feelings will come bubbling to the surface and he will be saved." This expectation is rarely realized. A common male fantasy is finding not only a replacement for mother, but someone who is also a fantastic lover. Other common expectations are:

• "He'll provide me with financial security forever; I'll never have to think about money again."
• "She'll be the perfect wife who makes a beautiful home, anticipates my every need, and has a delicious dinner on the table each night. Our life at home will be perfectly harmonious, filled with lovely things and happy, beautiful children."
• "He will bring excitement and adventure to my life; I'll never be bored with him around."
• "Sex will be absolutely fantastic all the time."
• "Finally, someone who appreciates me enough to make my life easy and give me all the strokes I deserve."

Knowing what your expectations were gives you a deeper understanding of why the marriage didn't work, and where your resentments may lie.

4. How long did you want it to take to get the divorce?

If you wanted to get it over as quickly as possible and then found yourself in the midst of a long, drawn-out procedure, you probably felt frustrated and thwarted. Resentment or anger at the slowness of your ex, the lawyers, or the court may be part of your divorce hangover.

On the other hand, you may have wanted to drag the process out, hoping that you might get a more favorable settlement, make the other person suffer, or perhaps even get back together. If it went very quickly, you may still feel frustrated or upset. (If you hoped the divorce would be long and painful, you may want to examine your motives.)

If you're in the process of a divorce now, tell the truth about how long you want it to take. If you realize that you want to draw it out, ask yourself why. If you want to complete it as soon as you can, talk to all the parties concerned and if possible agree on some dates. Be prepared to make some adjustment if your pace is very different. You'll come out ahead in the long run.

5. What was your first priority in the divorce?

Your first priority may have been getting out of the marriage as quickly as possible, the well-being of the children, having the divorce be amicable, getting a good financial settlement, freedom, or whatever was important to you at that time.

Or, you may not have set any priorities at all and simply "winged it," handling issues as they arose.

If you knew what your first priority was and you stuck to it, you're less likely to have a divorce hangover. If you didn't have a specific priority to guide your steps, or if it was thwarted, the results may have been brutal. You may have residual anger about things not working out the way you wanted them to, or not getting what you wanted out of the divorce.

If you're involved in a divorce now, I can't emphasize enough the value of setting your first priority for moving through this process. Your priority determines the answers to almost all the other questions that arise. It gives you a long-term goal and keeps you on track.

You'll want other things from the divorce and it's important to rank these lesser priorities, but there will be one thing you want above all else and that thing must be your focus.

6. What was the greatest benefit to you?

You probably weren't thinking along these lines during the divorce itself, but by now you may have some perspective. You may be aware of some good things that have happened in your life as a result of the divorce, some benefits you've accrued by taking that step. Among the benefits that people often mention are:

• Increased sense of power and independence.
• Freedom to explore other relationships.
• Relationships with children that have become deeper through the adversity.
• Career changes that were difficult at the time, but have turned out to be beneficial.
• More flexibility to grow in individual ways.
• Lost 20 pounds.

No matter how difficult your divorce or severe your divorce hangover, it's likely that something positive came out of the experience.

Step 2 Exercises

1. Answer each cornerstone question according to your reality at the time of the divorce, and then according to your present reality.
2. Make note of your feelings regarding these questions (helplessness, confusion, anger, loss of control, etc.). These are the trigger points of your hangover.

STEP 3: Count your losses

Divorce is devastating. It ranks as the #2 life crisis after the death of a spouse. Although divorced people experience enormous loss, they don't get the support that society extends to people whose spouses have died.

The divorce hangover begins in response to the staggering losses and changes of divorce, and the fear of even greater losses to come. It's important to understand exactly what you have lost. Remember, after divorce, loss and change occur for everyone -- whether male or female, and regardless of who initiated the breakup or how amicable the proceedings may have seemed.

What you lose

Divorce affects every area of your life: relationships, finances, physical surroundings, personal identity, home, health, family, and social situation. The losses strike at the very core of who you are, how you see yourself, and how others see you, and they seem to go on forever.

Everyone experiences his or her own specific, individual losses; here are some of the most common ones:

• Loss of the relationship. No matter how bad it was, no matter who initiated the divorce, the loss is painful to both parties.
• Loss of your expectations for the future. You may have had a "happily ever after" dream -- a beautiful home, perfect children, a devoted spouse. It doesn't matter if your fantasy was unrealistic; if you had the dream, it's easy to feel betrayed by fate, by your ex-spouse, and even by yourself. Perhaps your hopes for the marriage were more realistic: companionship, sex, financial security, someone to keep house for you, someone with whom to share holidays, camping trips, and even the late news. Even if your expectations were absolutely reasonable, it didn't work out that way and you have experienced a devastating loss.
• Loss of financial structure and security. For some people, this means reestablishing credit, or a change in lifestyle. But for others, the economic loss can be devastating and become a matter of sheer survival.
• Loss of the children, or at least daily contact with the children. You may not get to kiss them goodnight every night. You may feel you have to work harder to make things perfect when you do see them. You miss out on the natural flow, the give-and-take that happens when families live together. Even if the children live with you, you must deal with loss when they go off for weekends, vacations, or holidays with the other parent.
• Loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. In our society, divorce is often mistakenly perceived as a failure, or even a sin. No one feels good about not making another person happy or not being able to make a relationship work. For many people, marriage is a way to define who they are and to feel like able, upright, lovable people with a place in their community. Divorce takes away that structure. Very few people have a strong enough sense of their intrinsic self-worth to say, "I'm still okay, I'm still me."
• Loss of sex with that person. Sexuality is a large part of who we are. If sex was an important part of the marriage, or a part that escaped unscathed when the rest of the relationship fell apart, then this is a tremendous loss. If sex was only a habit, or part of a destructive power struggle, there was some payoff in that for you, and you've lost whatever the payoff was.
• Loss of someone with whom to share familiar daily routines, burdens, and experiences. After my divorce, I realized that it was always my turn to change light bulbs. Gardening had been my joy, but it became a chore when there was no one to help. There is no one with whom to share decisions, help with the kids if you're sick, or talk about the day. You lose your date for social events, someone with whom to go places, eat dinner, and share a bed.
• Loss of friends. Some people may have seen you as part of a couple and are not interested in you as a single friend. You may even seem threatening to married friends.
• Loss of approval. As many divorces as there are and as much as attitudes have changed, a social stigma still exists. It doesn't matter that in your efforts to grow, you simply discovered that you were in the wrong soil and were willing to go through the trauma of pulling yourself up and putting down roots in another, more nurturing place. Divorce is still against the social rules and, in a sense, you become an outlaw. It looks as if you can't stick to your commitments, as if you have been a bad spouse and maybe even a bad parent.
• Loss of identity as part of a couple. You are no longer Mr. and Mrs., Sally and Bill. You are just Sally, or just Bill. In places where the world moves two-by-two, this can be particularly painful.
• Loss of order, permanence, and predictability. Your world becomes ambiguous, unclear, uncertain, and you reflect these qualities. You don't think you can count on anything and feel out of control.
• Loss of possessions. Old photos, the rowing machine, the blender, the house, the end table, the dog. Often the monetary value has nothing to do with the depth of the loss.
• Loss of "home." Even if you get the house, it's not the same home without the other person. This can be an especially difficult loss for men, who are not as likely to be "nesters" and to create another "home" wherever they are.
• Loss of power. In some social environments, there is also a loss of power or status in not being part of a married couple. Invitations may not be extended because you are single or because your spouse is the preferred guest.
• Loss of family -- not just loss of being a family yourselves, but loss of the in-laws. Many people have strong attachments to their partners' families. These relationships suffer in a divorce, and are sometimes destroyed entirely.
• Loss of traditional holidays. Whether or not you have the kids, and regardless of how you celebrate or don't celebrate holidays, you have lost the way it used to be.

Everything changes

All of these losses have corresponding and equally devastating changes. The blank spot on a wall where a picture used to hang can be a daily, or hourly, reminder of the way things used to be. Changes in your schedule, a change in your name, changes in the way bills are paid -- even these kinds of relatively minor alterations can be enormously upsetting. The larger changes can be devastating: a move to a new house or city, life without the children, massive financial upheaval, etc.

Not all the changes around divorce are negative, but all of them are hard. Human beings have a natural resistance to change. We almost always prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar, even if the familiar isn't so great. A new job can be difficult and uncomfortable for the first few weeks, even if it's a big promotion. A new house can seem strange, even if we needed and wanted to make the change.

It's natural to feel disoriented, out of control, helpless, angry, or guilty in the midst of change. This is a time of grasping at straws. Your instinct is to try and get everything back the way it was as quickly as possible. When you can't do this, when the losses and changes won't go away, the frustration and pain are almost unbearable. Your very survival seems threatened, and this calls up a natural, primitive instinct to protect yourself. It feels as if the world has been turned upside down, and it has.

Taking stock

In order to face your losses, you have to know exactly what they are. I asked Stan in a counseling session to make a list of how his life had been before the divorce and how it was now, after the divorce. His "Before" list included "house, yard, neighbors." His "After" list read, "apartment in concrete complex, no yard, loss of financial equity and security."

Then I asked him to make lists of how he felt before and after the divorce. The "Before" list was upbeat and optimistic: "self-confident, secure, emotionally supported, good sense of humor, future bright, part of family and social group, intelligent, alert, strong." The "After" list was a stark contrast: "scared, a failure, angry, hopeless, anxious, uncertain, bitter, alone, confused, unequipped to cope, helpless."

Very few people have an accurate idea of what their losses and changes actually are until they sit down and start making lists.

Step 3 Exercises

1. Make a list in a workbook of all the losses discussed in this article.
2. Highlight the ones that have affected you most.
3. For each loss, describe what you felt.
4. List the changes caused by your divorce and your emotional response to each one.
5. What were you most afraid would happen as a result of the divorce?
6. Which of these fears were eliminated in the divorce settlement? Which are still present?
7. How would you describe yourself and your life before the divorce?
8. How would you describe yourself now?

Take the first step

By deciding to heal your divorce hangover, you'll make a courageous commitment to yourself and your future. That's the first step -- and the most important one. The healing process can be a springboard to a whole new way of relating to yourself, to other people, and to life. Your success will give you the skills and confidence to handle anything that comes up. Some of the steps will be easy for you, and some will be more difficult and require more attention. Stay flexible, and stay vigilant.

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This article has been edited and excerpted from Divorce Hangover: A Successful Strategy to End the Emotional Aftermath of Divorce by Anne Newton Walther, M.S. As an outgrowth of her counseling practice, Walther identified the "divorce hangover" syndrome and developed a strategy for ending it. This book will enable you to put down your emotional baggage and move into new, healthy relationships -- with yourself and others.

A Family Court Judge talks about effective preparation for court -- and how to achieve results in court by utilizing all available resources.
By Hon. Kathleen M. McCarthy

Back in law school, my trial-practice professor lectured to us to always assume the judge knows nothing about the law of our cases. He advised us to "spoon-feed" the judge all detailed facts of our cases and the applicable law necessary to lead the Court to our desired result. I was both amused and taken aback, assuming he meant that judges are inept at their jobs. Then I thought, okay: feed the judge some meat and potatoes and a full stomach would produce a satisfied result. Now, I think he may have left something out.

As a judge in the Family Division of the most populous county in the State of Michigan, I now more clearly understand his wisdom. Not about the judicial ineptitude, mind you, but about the importance of bringing to the court's attention all facts necessary upon which the court can make a fair and informed decision. In Michigan, there is no right to a jury trial in domestic matters. The judges of the Family Court are the sole fact-finders and decision-makers. Obviously, if a lawyer provides a great deal of quality information, the judge is better positioned to arrive at a truly fair and equitable decision. This, I am sure, is not some enlightening bolt of wisdom that knocks you off your feet.

The purpose of this article is not so much to extol the significant virtue of trial preparation and presentation, but rather to offer my perspective on an underutilized resource available for effective trial results and to give you some tips about going to court.

Before I became a judge, I was introduced to a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA). I was initially skeptical of the "value added" that could be derived from such a person's involvement in the divorce process. I assumed the practice was a fancy name for what we family practitioners did. Was this another encroachment against the practice of law by a non-lawyer?

Yet, here was a well spoken, motivated young professional, lap-top in tow, talking about financial considerations surrounding property divisions, spousal support, and debt retirement. CDFAs, I found, operate within a happy amalgam of accounting, financial planning, sociology, and economics that they tailor to the case at hand. I was able to ascertain much more clearly the interdependence between property distribution and spousal support, and how shifting strategies would meet my client's immediate needs, while offering some kind of reasonable projection of the financial situation of the parties five to ten years down the line.

More than that, the CDFA provided a series of visual aids in the form of graphs and charts, which made all the calculations and projections easily understandable -- even by the mathematically challenged. I was impressed and I was hooked. I had a more expansive view of what it would take to meet my client's long-term needs. With those informational tools, opposing counsel, our clients, and the court had a deeper understanding of the parties' needs and positions and how those positions would impact each of the parties' futures. The case was settled.

Fast-forward to the present. Now that I am on the bench, with a thousand-case caseload, I am rushed. I am precluded from spending the hours with the parties, with their lawyers, and with experts. The time constraints occasioned by my caseload limit me to rendering decisions based on the information I am given by the lawyers, who present a snap shot of the parties' present situation with their trial briefs, in-court testimony, and closing arguments. Utilizing non-legal disciplines, a CDFA can provide invaluable information that allows the court to arrive at a fair, equitable, and just resolution -- not just at the moment of trial, but down the road as well.

Recently, I presided over a trial where the sole issue for my consideration was spousal support. Under Michigan law, which I imagine is similar to case law in other states, I am obligated to consider and announce findings of fact and conclusions of law on the following factors:

1. the past relations and conduct of the parties,
2. the length of the marriage,
3. the abilities of the parties to work,
4. the source and amount of property awarded to the parties,
5. the parties' ages,
6. the abilities of the parties to pay support,
7. the present situation of the parties,
8. the needs of the parties,
9. the parties' health,
10. the prior standard of living of the parties and whether either is responsible for the support of others,
11. contributions of the parties to the joint estate, and
12. general principles of equity.

Additionally, some courts may consider a party's fault in causing the divorce.

I had requested trial briefs analyzing the parties' respective financial and legal positions relative to the 12 factors. What I received were perfunctory briefs that outlined basic facts and provided minimal financial information. The proofs at trial were equally empty and perfunctory. I was left, as always, to make my decision upon what I had before me. What was lacking was a great deal of "non-legal" information I would have liked to have had from other disciplines. In this matter, testimony from a CDFA would have helped me to make a more sound and expert decision. Also, it would have enlightened and educated the parties as to the long-term impact of their financial futures.

Flash back to my law-school days. What did my trial practice professor overlook? That spoon-feeding should include more than just meat and potatoes. Trial lawyers should not overlook "dessert": spoon-feeding your judge with non-traditional offerings -- such as financial planning, economic assumptions, tax consequences, and actuarial projections -- will surely sweeten the result.

Going to Court: A Judge's Tips

1. Be clear as to your objectives. Present your issues in court with a proposed resolution. Use your own creativity instead of leaving that solely to the judge. Bring in all documents that support the facts and your theory.
2. Be civil and professional. Lawyers and litigants should address their remarks to the court -- not to each other -- and confine these remarks to the issues at hand. Engaging in personal attacks on opposing counsel and litigants is unprofessional and discouraged.
3. Respect everybody's time. Punctuality is important, and courtesy is important, too. If you're going to be late, advise opposing counsel and the court.
4. Dress appropriately. Your attire and person should be neat, clean, and professional: as though you're going for a job interview. This isn't a Saturday night date or an afternoon at the gym. You are in a court room, and your appearance should demonstrate respect.
5. Know the Rules of Procedure. Local or general court rules are the oil that keeps the engine running. Procedural faux pas get in the way of efficient administration of justice.

The Honorable Kathleen M. McCarthy serves in the Family Division of the Wayne County Circuit Court. As a mother, stepmother, and practicing attorney specializing in family law prior to taking the Bench, she has firsthand experience regarding the difficulties affecting blended and divorcing families. Judge McCarthy is the current president of the Dearborn Bar Association and a recent recipient of the "Judge of the Year Award" presented by DADS of Michigan, and MOMS for DADS for her commitment towards ensuring that children have frequent access to both parents when appropriate. For more information about Certified Divorce Financial Analysts, call (800) 875-1760, or visit their website at www.InstituteDFA.com.

Take this short quiz to find out whether you get a clean bill of financial health - or if you require emergency care.

By Diana Shepherd and Nancy Kurn

1)	Do you have life insurance?
	a) Yes. b) No. c) Don't know. d) Through my spouse.
2)	In terms of 401(k)s/IRAs/RRSPs, you:
	a) maximize contributions every year. b) make sure you contribute something every year. c) seldom make contributions. d) wonder: what are 401(k)s/IRAs/RRSPs?
3)	When dealing with credit cards, you:
	a) pay off the full balance every month. b) try to pay off the full balance, and at least make the minimum payment. c) suspect you're in trouble, but can't live without them. d) don't have any credit cards.
4)	Your approach to managing your finances could best be described as:
	a) my spouse always handled the money. b) I balance my checkbook and put away a little money every month. c) I have a monthly, yearly, and five-year plan. d) when I have money, I spend it all (and then some).
5)	Do you know where your money goes each month?
	a) Yes - down to the penny. b) Yes - give or take $100. c) I think so, but I never seem to have as much as I thought I had. d) It just magically seems to disappear.
6)	How much of your income do you save and invest for short- and long-term goals?
	a) 25% b) 10% c) 5% d) Nothing: I live from paycheck to paycheck.
7)	Are you saving for your children's college costs?
	a) Yes: I'm right on track. b) Yes, but it isn't going to be enough. c) No: they will have to pay their own way. d) I don't have children.
8)	Do you have an up-to-date inventory of your personal property?
	a) Yes, down to the last set of drink coasters. b) I know what's mine, but it isn't written down anywhere. c) I haven't gotten around to it yet. d) What do I need that for?
9)	Do you have an up-to-date inventory of your marital property?
	a) Yes, and it has all been valued. b) I know what's mine, my spouse's, and what belongs to our family. c) I haven't gotten around to it yet. d) What is marital property?
10)	Are you going to be shopping for a mortgage or home loan after your divorce is finalized?
	a) Yes. b) I think so. c) I don't think so. d) No.
11)	With regard to your tax returns, you:
	a) prepare them yourself and file on time every year. b) review them with the person who prepared them. c) trust the tax-preparation professional to get everything right. d) have never filed a return.
12)	If disaster struck (your house was destroyed, your child needed emergency surgery, or you lost your job), would your family be provided for?
	a) Yes: I have insurance policies to cover all these scenarios. b) Maybe: I'm not sure what my insurance covers. c) I would have to ask family and friends for help. d) No: I don't like to think about bad things happening to me or my family.
13)	With regard to your marital home, you:
	a) know its current value, including how much is still owed on the mortgage. b) know its current value, but not how much is still owed on the mortgage. c) trust your spouse to give you your fair share. d) are determined to keep it no matter what.
14)	Do you know the location and amounts of all of your investments, including savings, stocks and bonds, real estate, art, jewelry, and collections?
	a) Yes. b) I think so. c) I'm not sure: my spouse took care of these sorts of things. d) I have no idea.
15)	If either you or your spouse own a business, how much do you know about it?
	a) Everything: I have a current valuation, including debts and assets. b) Quite a bit: I meet with the bookkeeper for quarterly updates. c) Very little: my spouse takes care of the business. d) Nothing.

How to Figure Out Your FH(Financial Health Quotient)

• For each "A" response, give yourself 3 points;
• For each "B" response, give yourself 2 points;
• For each "C", you'll earn 1 point;
• For each "D", you get 0 points - except for #3 and #7, where "D" is worth 3 points.

How Financially Healthy are You?

• 30-45 points: Congratulations! You seem to have things under control, and are planning for a secure financial future.
• 15-30 points: Not bad, but you need to start taking better care of your financial health. Seek help in areas where you know you're weak, from tax planning to budgeting.
• 0-15 points: You need to seek professional advice -- yesterday! Your financial pro can show you where you are today, and where you'll be tomorrow, helping you to create goals as well as a realistic plan for achieving them.

If you scored low on this quiz, then you must begin managing your cash flow immediately. You'll also need to set priorities and goals, and start to allocate your resources accordingly. Look at your spending patterns and see if they are in line with your priorities and goals; whenever possible, you should reduce the amount of money spent on low-priority items to make more funds available for your high-priority goals.

A CDFA can help you analyze the short- and long-term impact of your divorce as well as the pros and cons of different settlement proposals. Be sure to ask your CDFA to explain the costs and benefits of a particular proposal before you sign it.

Some Issues to Consider

1. Insurance - If you do not have appropriate insurance coverage, then you are putting your investment assets and retirement assets at risk.
2. Retirement - You might be tempted to use these assets to cover any cash shortages, but they should only be used as a last resort. If you need to dip into this money today, just imagine how much more you're going to need it after you've retired. A CDFA can help you analyze how much you will have for your retirement.
3. Marital Home - If you wish to keep your home, ask your CDFA to show you whether or not you can afford it. You might end up house-rich, but have no cash to spend on basic necessities.
4. Debts and Mortgage - If you take the home, you will probably have to refinance your mortgage to obtain one that does not obligate your ex-spouse. Can you qualify for a mortgage without your ex-spouse's income?
5. Cash Reserves/Savings - A portion of your assets must be liquid to cover budget emergencies.
6. College - This is important, but you may not be able to fund as much as you originally planned.
7. Assets - You should know where all of your assets are located. Begin collecting financial information immediately. If you review your tax returns, you could find assets that you may have forgotten about.
8. Taxes - Obtain copies of your tax returns for at least the past three years. Remember: spousal support is generally taxable to the recipient; child support is not taxable.
9. Business - If you or your spouse own a business, gather as much information as possible about it - including having a business valuation completed. If you do not run the business, you should consider filing a separate tax return.

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Nancy Kurn (CPA, JD, LLM, MBA, CDFA™) is the Director of Educational Services for the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts. Co-founder and former Editorial Director of Divorce Magazine, Diana Shepherd is the Director of Marketing for the IDFA. For more information about how a CDFA™ can help you with the financial aspects of your divorce, call (800) 875-1760, or visit their Web site at www.InstituteDFA.com.