By Josh D. Simon

Let's face it: even during boom times and bull markets, divorce can be expensive. And over the last year, chances are that your savings and investments have taken a hit, your job is less secure, and you're doing what you can to scale back on the nice-to-have in favor of the need-to-have. Financially speaking, the last thing you need is to go through a costly divorce process. But with the right knowledge and attitude, you may not have to.

We asked Judge Lynn Toler to share some advice on how you can keep divorce costs under control. Here's what Judge Toler shared:

Divorce Magazine: Judge Toler, in terms of keeping costs as low as possible, what should divorcing people keep in mind when choosing a lawyer?

Judge Toler: Divorce lawyers often specialize in certain areas. People should first try to identify what they need from a lawyer, and then try to find one who matches that need. That being said, people still need to make sure that they are comfortable with that lawyer. Just because a lawyer specializes in an area doesn't mean he or she is the right fit.

A person should not find their lawyer intimidating or unresponsive. She or he should be able to explain the system in a way that the person understands. This is an obvious yet important point. While all lawyers can explain the system, the question is whether they can explain it to their client in the way they understand it.
Another thing to keep in mind is that it's good to find a lawyer who is responsive and confident, but one who isn't inflammatory, because that can prolong the divorce process and increase fees.

DM: As a Judge, what do you see as the most common mistakes that people make that can lead to excess costs?

Judge Toler: One common problem is that people often get information from the wrong source. You cannot get a good understanding of the system by talking to friends about their divorce, nor can you bring courtroom television into the regular courtroom. Those who have gone through the process have a hard time seeing things from both sides. They know whether they were satisfied with the result or not but may not understand how the judge got to that result. On television, some things occur for dramatic effect, and other things that are important aren't shown because they are not necessarily interesting. As a result, sometimes people have very unrealistic expectations of what the Judge is empowered to do, and what the Judge is going to do.

DM: What are some practical steps that divorcing people can take to keep costs low and under control?

Judge Toler: It starts with being prepared and "doing your homework." Knowing the law matters. Particularly in the United States where each state has its own divorce law. Often, I see individuals who are prepared for the requirements of State A, but are actually in State B. Not being prepared can lead to messy situations that extend the length of the process and, of course, the costs.
The other thing to keep in mind is that their lawyer -- or the judge for that matter -- is not a psychologist. Don't talk about emotional issues with a lawyer who is billing hundreds of dollars an hour. Lawyers won't be able to provide proper psychological support anyway since they are not trained to provide that service.
And the last thing I'd caution people from doing is trying to achieve what I call a Zen resolution to their divorce process. Often, people want the divorce process to provide them with a satisfying feeling of completion and wholeness. They've gone through an emotional crisis and they expect the legal system to somehow fix that. But they have to accept that law cannot address every aspect of their life. It can provide a resolution that is as fair and equitable as possible, but it can't provide people with the emotional healing they may want or expect. Those who fail to accept this fact can extend the divorce process, and of course that means spending more money.

---

Judge Lynn Toler, a graduate of Harvard and The University of Pennsylvania Law School, served as a municipal court judge for eight years. She presides over the courtroom on the nationally syndicated television show Divorce Court. She is also the author of My Mother's Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming an Emotional Genius, and co-author of Put it in Writing: Creating Agreements Between Family and Friends.

By: Mike A. Mastracci

When it comes to establishing each parent's individual roles and their levels of involvement, influence, and time spent with the children, the terms most discussed and debated are joint custody, sole custody, and visitation. Generally, physical child custody (whether sole, shared, or split) really comes down to the amount of time spent with one's children. Custody in the legal sense (that is, legal custody) governs who will make what types of decisions affecting the health, education, and general welfare of the children and under what circumstances such decisions will be made.

Parent and child un-friendly terms
Basically, without further definition or limitation, a parent with sole legal custody calls all the significant shots with or without the other parent's "consent" or input. The term custody is anything but child friendly and its usage often provokes anger and resentment between bickering parents. The word custody in its basic and primary sense suggests possession and control. Police take "custody" of criminals. Enough said. In moderate to highly contentious cases, the initial fight for control is often a key catalyst to a perpetual battle. The children's feelings and emotional well-being often get lost in all the posturing that accompanies one's desire to show the other parent who is in the driver's seat. This fighting over the children can resemble a game of capture-the-flag, where children are treated like possessions and rewards for success in battle. The counterpart to custody is visitation. What does the term visitation suggest? I "visit" clients in jail. Priests "visit" the dying in hospitals and nursing homes. Doesn't "visitation" suggest a short stay? Perhaps like a trip to a distant relative's house? Generally, we visit people or places that we don't see too often. When we are young we shouldn't be "visiting" our parents, we should be spending time with them. A parent's perception of terms like custody and visitation often fosters power-based and position-oriented discussions. This is usually not productive when the lives of our children are at stake.

Changing words for the better
In recognizing the power of suggestion and influence that can be derived from legal terms and principles in the area of family law, legal wizards have made significant efforts in the last decade or so to use more appropriate terms when discussing how to govern the lives of our children and the parent-child relationships that are affected by separation and divorce. These days, custody and visitation are more appropriately discussed in terms of child access and parental involvement. Legal custody is couched in terms of parental decision-making. Custody orders are referred to as residential schedules. Plaintiffs and Defendants are addressed as "Mother" or "Father"; and it is common for "the minor child of the parties" to be called by his or her name in legal documents. These are positive and long overdue steps in the right direction. Parents who are caught up in "child access disputes" should take special care to focus their respective and combined efforts in arriving at a fair and reasonable "parenting plan" and a "residential schedule" that works best for their children. An agreement should promote peace and stability between the parents as well. It is a lot easier to make positive progress and ensure meaningful child access and involvement when moms and dads use "parent-friendly" language in discussions about "custody" and "visitation."

No schedule = no stability
When there is an ongoing fight over child access, it is important to realize that the term stability, in the context of fighting over the division of parental time, is an oxymoron if there is no agreed-upon schedule. For example, in some cases one parent may somewhat disingenuously stress that access to the other parent must be limited for the sake of the stability of the child. However, when there is an ongoing power struggle to maximize or minimize parental time, the life of the child is anything but "stable." Children adapt. The world is busy. Life is hectic. The theories or justifications of years past, the "traditional visitation schedule" if you will, that subscribed to the notion that a child needs to only regard one parent's house as "home" and that he must sleep in the same bed every night is far less important than often proclaimed. These days, many experts suggest that a rigid "every other weekend and one or two nights a week for dinner" visitation schedule is a minimum type of arrangement. For separated or divorced parents, this is not necessarily the preferred norm.

A 50-50 schedule works
Having parented for over a decade on a court-ordered, equal-time-sharing schedule, I can attest to the fact that even a nearly 50-50 type schedule is far more workable than one might imagine. While it is not presumed that 50-50 is best for all children in all situations, it sure seems like a fair place to start. Furthermore, I have found that if the parents truly opt to act in accordance with the children's best interests and if each parent operates from such a position of theoretical and practical equality, it is far more likely that one parent will voluntarily, if, when, and as needed, make the sacrifice of diminished time if it is truly beneficial to the children's schedule. If dad, for example, has been treated as an equal parent and not a weekend visitor, there is a greater likelihood that he will go along with future modifications if the children's needs or routines suggest a modification to be appropriate. Once the power struggle for control and the claim for the overwhelming majority of time are abandoned, it simply will not be as important when compared to what may genuinely be in the children's best interests.

Court orders must be precise
If the division of time is not mutually satisfactory, or if it is not otherwise possible to arrange a basic schedule with a certain amount of predictability (along with situational flexibility, respect, and cooperation), a court ordered schedule will ultimately be forced upon you. In such situations, any written document or court order must leave nothing open to interpretation. Your life must then fit into the court-mandated schedule. However, this is far easier and far less damaging to the children than the constant tug of war that often will occur in parental skirmishes. Simply left to the interpretation of loosely worded court orders, acrimonious parents will usually fail to rearrange or modify scheduled activities and time frames without wreaking havoc upon their children's lives. Let me show you how to minimize the problems that you may encounter.

How to create a schedule
There are many ways to approach the development of a residential and access schedule. Rather than explain or justify any of them, let's start with a few basic principles.

• There is no moral entitlement to anything more than equally dividing the time the children spend with each parent.
• There is no legal entitlement to equal parenting time.
• If you and the other parent were both completely committed to working out a schedule that maximizes each parent's time with the children, you could do it.
• The children's best interests are usually served when measured within the reasonable and practical limits of life in general and balanced in particular with the parenting styles and attributes of each parent.
• If each parent felt secure that they would truly have reasonable and liberal time and access with their children, without being unreasonably rebuffed, the counting of overnights would become less important and a more stable schedule (whatever the percentage of time comes to be) would be more likely to develop on its own.
• The best schedule is one that minimizes conflict and maximizes the children's time with each parent.

Although maximizing parental time is very important, it should yield to the best interests of the children. And obviously, each parent's differing views about what is or is not in the children's best interests is one of the many contributors to child custody chaos. The desire for power and control are other major contributors, as you might expect.

---

This article was excerpted with permission from the book Stop Fighting Over the Kids by Mike A. Mastracci, published by St. Gabriel's Press c2008. Mike is a nationally recognized family law attorney with over 20 years of experience. He is also a Collaborative Divorce Attorney, Mediator and Child Access Coach. Mike founded Maryland's first Child Access Center and is a founding member and vice president of the Maryland Collaborative Law Association. You can order his book and read his blog at www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com.

By Fadi Baradihi, MBA, CFP®, ChFC, CLU, CDFA™

More often than not, the standard of living of both spouses drops in the first few years after divorce. Why? Because the same cumulative income and pool of assets now has to support two households instead of one. Unfortunately, most people don't prepare themselves financially or emotionally for that consequence. So what can you do to better prepare yourself for this inevitability? The answer is simple, but it's not easy to put into practice. Divorce is an inherently stressful process. To alleviate some of the stress, it's important to be proactive and in control. Here are the "Lucky Seven" things you can do to help prepare yourself for your post-divorce financial future.

Expect your income to drop
You should expect your income to drop after the divorce is final. Develop a budget based on needs -- not wants -- and keep in mind that your expenses need to stay within your post-divorce income. Consider all sources of income -- including spousal and child support, keeping in mind that they won't last forever -- as well as investment income. To develop a budget, use a detailed worksheet so you don't overlook any expenses. The best source for the expense information is your check register, if that's how you pay your bills. Remember that not all your expenses are paid monthly; some insurance premiums or tax bills might be payable quarterly or annually, so make sure to account for those as well. (To help get you started, fill out the "Monthly/Annual Expenses" worksheet, which is available online at www.institutedfa.com.) The last step in preparing a budget is to ask a reasonable and critical friend or family member to review your budget and challenge the expenses that seem unreasonable. You have to agree to keep an open mind and not to get mad if he/she challenges one of your items; remember that this person is trying to help you.

Can you afford to keep the house?
Here are the traditional options for the matrimonial home:

1. One spouse stays in the house (with the children, if any) and buys the other spouse's share by:
2. Cash-out refinance
3. Giving up another asset
4. Property settlement note
5. The spouses sell the house during or after the divorce process and split the proceeds.

In many cases, one spouse -- usually the wife -- wants to keep the house. Though this might be emotionally satisfying, it usually makes little or no financial sense. The equity in the house is illiquid, meaning it won't pay the bills.
In today's housing market, sometimes the matrimonial home can't be sold in a reasonable amount of time -- or for a reasonable amount of money. Today, many couples own houses that neither spouse can afford to maintain on his/her own, and that they cannot sell for what they owe on their mortgage. If the house can only be sold at a loss, divorcing couples have a few options, such as:

1. Renting the house to a third party -- or having one ex-spouse stay in the home and pay rent to the other until the market improves
2. "Birdnesting": the ex-spouses retain joint ownership of the home, they also rent a small apartment nearby, and each one alternates living in the house with the kids and in the apartment on his/her own
3. Agreeing to sell the home at a loss, share the loss, and move on with their lives
4. Short-sale, foreclosure, or bankruptcy.

If your house is "underwater" -- meaning that you owe more on their mortgage than your house is worth -- here are a few questions your should ask yourselves before putting the house up for sale:

1. Who is responsible for making up the difference between the sale price and the amount owed on the mortgage?
2. If you don't sell it, does the party not keeping the house get compensated?
3. Where does that money for options (1) and (2) come from?

If one spouse wants -- and can afford to keep the house, that spouse should pre-qualify for a mortgage before the divorce is final. Sometimes, a divorcing couple will decide that one spouse is going to keep the house. They take the other spouse's name off the deed -- and then the spouse who wants to keep the house gets turned down for a mortgage because he/she doesn't make enough money to qualify to refinance in his/her name alone. The spouse who is leaving the marital home ends up being on the hook for the debt, has no reciprocal asset, and can't qualify for his/her own mortgage because he/she doesn't make enough to support both mortgages.
To qualify for a mortgage, most conventional lenders use credit and debt to income ratios. Many use a credit score system to qualify applicants; a credit score is based on payment history, amount of credit owing, length of time credit established, number of recently opened credit accounts, and types of credit established. Lenders generally use two different ratios to analyze credit worthiness. Generally speaking, here's how they work (check with your local lender -- their guidelines may differ):

1. Housing Ratio = Total Monthly Housing Payments divided by Total Gross Income. This ratio must be 28% or less.
2. Total Debt Ratio = Total Housing + Other Debt divided by Total Gross Income. This ratio must be 36% or less.

In order to qualify for a conventional mortgage, an applicant must have an acceptable credit score and debt-to-income ratios.

Know what you have
Account statements have a way of disappearing when divorce proceedings start. When contemplating divorce, start by collecting statements for all your financial holdings and put together a list of your assets. When negotiating your divorce settlement, this step will prove helpful as a starting point. Here's an example of items you'll need to list on an Asset Worksheet; remember to note the value of each asset, and who owns what portion of it:

• Retirement Assets
• Liquid Assets
• Real Estate
• Personal Property
• Cash Value Life Insurance
• Business Interests.

As you work your way through the asset split negotiations, each asset can be moved to its appropriate column: "Husband" or "Wife". To figure out the percentage split, divide the total for each spouse by the grand total.

Consider the after-tax values of your assets
Accounts with pre-tax contributions and tax deferred growth come with a tax liability. Know what the after-tax equivalent value is before agreeing to take an asset. Having $100,000 in an IRA or RRSP is not the same as having a $100,000 in a checking account. The spouse with the retirement savings plan will end up with the account value minus the tax liability, and the other spouse will have the whole amount to spend.

Understand your financial needs
You need to make sure that the liquidity of the assets you're getting matches up to your needs. Let's suppose you want to keep the marital house -- which is worth $300,000 or 50% of the marital estate -- as your share of the settlement. Until you take a close look at your long-term financial forecast, you won't know whether you can afford to keep it. Suppose, for example, you've factored child-support payments into your income; after the payments end, how are you going to pay the mortgage? If you have to put the house up for sale in a few years, you may be solely responsible for paying all the real-estate costs and capital-gains taxes from the time you and your spouse acquired the property until you sold it -- which could be bad news indeed.

Don't overlook the value of a future pension
Any portion of a pension that was earned during the marriage should be included in the marital pool of assets. Pensions can be handled in three different ways:

1. The non-employee spouse can receive his or her share of a future benefit;
2. The pension can be present valued and offset;
3. A combination of (1) and (2).

Your particular situation should determine which option makes the most sense for you. For example, a 32-year-old wife with two young children and limited resources will have different needs than a 55-year-old wife with a career and her own pension. Make sure you're not the divorcee who has a great pension that will pay in 15 years and have no money to pay the bills today.

Hire a good team
Personal recommendations from a trusted friend or business associate are a great source for professionals. However, you need to do your homework before hiring anyone. Your team should consist of a divorce lawyer and a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™ (CDFA™) at a minimum. If needed, other members or the team could include a mediator, an accountant, a business or pension valuator, or perhaps a child or individual therapist. Although you may think that the more professionals you hire the more costly your divorce will be, this is not necessarily true. In the long run, having the appropriate help will cut down on litigation costs, and it may save you from making costly blunders regarding your settlement.

---

Fadi Baradihi is the president and CEO of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts™ (IDFA™). For more information about how a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst™ (CDFA™) can help you with the financial aspects of your divorce, call (800) 875-1760, or visit their website at www.InstituteDFA.com.

By Judge Harvey Brownstone

After more than fourteen years of presiding in family court, one question has never ceased to amaze me: how can two parents who love their child allow a total stranger to make crucial decisions about their child's living arrangements, health, education, extracurricular activities, vacation time, and degree of contact with each parent? This question becomes even more mind-boggling when one considers that the stranger making the decisions is a judge, whose formal training is in the law, not in family relations, child development, social work, or psychology. Now add the fact that, because of heavy caseloads and crowded dockets, most judges have to make numerous child custody, access, matrimonial property, and support decisions every day on the basis of incomplete, subjective, and highly emotional written evidence (call-ed affidavits), with virtually no time to get to know the parents and no opportunity to meet the child whose life is being so profoundly affected. What person in their right mind would advocate for this method of resolving parental conflicts flowing from family breakdown? These are some of the questions that family court judges agonize over. Some say the answers are complicated and have much to do with social conditioning, economic class, levels of education, sophistication, familiarity with community resources, and even culture. I say the answers are simple.

Marriage and relationship breakdown is common
The institution of marriage has not been a great success in North America. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the western world, followed by the United Kingdom and Canada. Moreover, divorce statistics do not take into account couples who lived in common-law (unmarried) relationships and broke up. There is no reliable way to track the breakup rate for those couples, but you can be sure that it is at least as high as the divorce rate. There are also many thousands of couples who never lived together, but had a casual relationship resulting in the birth of a child. We do know that the vast majority of couples who break up manage to settle their affairs, including the custody and access arrangements for their children, without ever setting foot in a courtroom. The most common way to achieve this is by separation agreement or some other form of domestic contract. However, for the many couples unable to reach agreements, the family court becomes the place of first and last resort.

Family court reality
What we judges see in family court is beyond belief and certainly more dramatic and gut-wrenching than any television show or movie. If you don't believe me, visit any family courtroom in any town. As any family law lawyer, judge, or litigant will tell you, family court litigation is unpredictable, time-consuming, expensive, and highly stressful. The level of hostility and anger between parents involved in high-conflict custody disputes is often so toxic that it is almost palpable. I have dealt with thousands of couples whose bitterness toward each other colored every aspect of the proceedings and completely diverted the focus away from the children and their needs. Frequently, I get the impression that such parents are in a struggle over power and control or are on a quest for vengeance and self-validation that has nothing to do with their children. Sometimes I have had to involve a child protection agency and place the children in foster care to insulate them from the parental conflict. On more than one occasion I have been told by a parent that he/she would rather have his/her children living in foster care than with the other parent.

Litigation is bad for families
Everyone who works in family law, including judges, agrees on two things: family court is not good for families, and litigation is not good for children. And yet, family courts everywhere are jammed with couples asking judges to decide who gets custody of their children, how often the children will see the noncustodial parent, how the matrimonial property is to be divided, and how much spousal and/or child support must be paid. More surprisingly, an alarmingly high number of people appear in court without a lawyer and try to navigate the court process on their own, without any idea of their rights and obligations, the procedural requirements, the rules of evidence, or the types of orders a court can and cannot make. As you might expect, the results for these people are often extremely frustrating at best and disastrous at worst. Ask anyone who has ever appeared in family court as a litigant -- even if they had a lawyer -- and they are almost certain to describe their experience as unsatisfactory. Why? What can be done to help people so that their family court experience is more predictable, more positive and constructive, less time-consuming, and consequently more beneficial to themselves and their children? An even more important question is, what can be done to help people avoid going to court in the first place? That is what I am going to explain.

The success secret? Maturity
What is the difference between the couples who settle their disputes privately and those couples who require a judge to make the decisions? Do the parents in the first group dislike each other any less than those in the second group? Does the first group have access to resources unavailable to the second group? Do the two groups come from separate and distinct socio-economic or cultural groups? Not in my experience. In my opinion, the major difference between couples who resolve their disputes privately and those who turn to a judge has to do with one overriding characteristic: maturity. We who work in family court know that a person's maturity level has nothing to do with economic circumstances, education, culture, race, religion, or sexual orientation. We see rich people and poor people in our courtrooms, and we see people from all walks of life and from every racial, cultural, ethnic, and religious background, and from every lifestyle and orientation imaginable. Trust me: judges see it all. What we don't see very often in our clientele is maturity.

Maturity during relationship chaos
In the context of a relationship breakdown, being mature means loving your children more than you dislike your ex-partner. Being mature means caring enough about your children that you will force yourself to deal in a civilized way with someone you may hate. Being mature means thinking twice and measuring your words carefully before you shoot your mouth off when you're upset with your ex-partner, especially in front of the children. It means always insulating your children from parental conflict so they know your breakup has nothing to do with them. It means truly understanding and accepting that your children are entitled to love and be loved by both of their parents. It means giving your children emotional permission to express and receive that love, even though you and the other parent dislike each other. Being mature means being willing and able to reach compromises so that your children can have peace rather than be caught in a tug of war and conflict of loyalties. Being mature means recognizing that you can be an ex-partner but you are never going to be an ex-parent. True maturity requires parents to appreciate that children need both parents in their lives, working co-operatively to make the best possible decisions for their upbringing.

Children need mature parents
In my experience, mature people fully understand that even though they no longer love each other, they are the most qualified people to make important decisions for their children. After all, parents know their children best. Children deserve to have parents working together as a team in all matters affecting their welfare. Mature people do not give up their parental decision-making responsibilities to a total stranger, even if that stranger wears a robe and is called "Your Honor"

---

This article was excerpted with permission from the book Tug of War by Judge Harvey Brownstone, published by ECW Press c2009. Justice Brownstone has pre-sided in criminal court, and since 2001 has presided exclusively in family court at the North Toronto Family Court. In addition to his role in the court and his work as an author, Justice Brownstone frequently comments on family law and divorce issues in the Canadian national media.

By Claire Michaels Wheeler, MD, PH.D

Taming tension during your divorce will reduce your stress level and help you get through the process.
A quiet mind is a blessing you can grant yourself with practice. Can you remember a time when all you were doing was sitting and maybe looking? Hearing sounds, sensing your body, feeling your breath, but not creating a narrative about what was happening? Can you remember times when you were simply being not doing anything - not even meditating or "relaxing"? When you are still but highly observant, not bothered by assessments (good or bad, okay or not okay) but simply allowing everything around you to be what it is, you are in a meditative state.
I have found, in my years of leading mind - body groups, that this is a good place for beginners to start exploring the mindful state. I've had wonderful experiences of this in airports, riding in cars (not while I was driving!), while lying in the snow after falling down skiing, and at family gatherings, among other places. Time seems to stand still. I'm quiet on the inside, but acutely observant in a curious, gentle way of everything within and around me. Moments like those convinced me that I could use meditation to calm my sometimes manic mind.

How to relax your mind
Here is a good way to begin practicing mindfulness. Find a time when you can take ten minutes to yourself. You do not have to be in a darkened room with candles and incense in order to do this. You can be outside, in the lobby of a large office building or a hotel, on your front porch - even in your car, if it's not moving. All you need is to sit and be fairly confident that you won't be interrupted for a few minutes. Now, get comfortable in your seat. Adjust your clothing or glasses so you aren't distracted by anything tugging or compressing parts of your body. Uncross your legs, if you're comfortable with that. With both feet on the ground and your hands in your lap, check your whole body once more to make sure you can relax.
Now, start thinking about the fact that you're breathing. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just notice that Hey, guess what, there's air flowing in and out of me every few seconds. And the air is a bit cool as it flows into my nose and into my throat. I can feel my chest expanding as the air fills it. As I become more relaxed, I'll feel my belly expanding too. And just at the moment my lungs are full, everything stops for a second, and then I'm exhaling. The air, now warm, is flowing out of me, and my chest is falling. Just notice this for a minute or so. If your mind wanders away from the miracle that is your breath, just let go of whatever your mind has got its teeth into, and return your attention to the air flowing in and out, in and out. This is a good thing, this breath. It brings life in, and it carries used-up old stuff out. It keeps you fresh from moment to moment. Just keep going back to it, and your mind will gradually stop jumping around.
Now, start to pay attention to what is going on around you. This is a shift you need to make carefully, because you might find your mind flooded with words about what things look like and whether things are okay and what's she wearing? And who did her hair? If this happens, gently return your narrative mind to your breath. Say to yourself, "air in, air out" with the movement of your breath until you can be curiously attentive to the world around you without the running commentary. The goal is to appreciate, perceive, and allow all you see, hear, feel, smell, and sense with a quiet, nonjudgmental mind.

A better way of being in the world
Simple awareness is something humans are born with - babies and toddlers, use it all the time. They're just observing. As you practice this, you'll slowly develop the ability to shift into simple awareness a few times each day. It's a very different way of being in the world, one that short-circuits stress because there's no need for self-consciousness, for comparing yourself to other people, for complaining or ruminating over past or future problems.
Eventually, you'll want to make the connection between occasionally practicing simple awareness in the world and practicing it continually with respect to your own thoughts and perceptions. Think about this: You can observe your thoughts and actions the way you observe the world, without constant judgment, and simply allow yourself to be as you are. If you notice things you'd like to change, that's fine, but begins by simply allowing yourself to be, and by cultivating an attitude of friendly curiosity about what's going on in your mind and spirit. This type of self-acceptance is something you have to relearn, because it gets drummed out of you by the culture of materialism and competitiveness, but you can do it.

Meditation for maniacs
Are you a person who always has something to do? Life is demanding, pulling you in all different directions. There is always something to buy, to do, to see, to figure out, or to fix. The demands on your attention are never ending, starting with the alarm clock in the morning and ending with the late - night news and its dire warnings of the latest health threat or severe storm somewhere across the planet. You, like most people, probably feel like a maniac at least some of the time, rushing about in your head, your car, and your home to maintain some control over what seems like relentless chaos.
It's vital to your physical, emotional, and psychological health to break the spiral of intensity. You can learn to stop the madness for a few minutes and then dive right back in, refreshed and better able to cope.

A technique for inner calmness
One excellent way to do this is to use the three - breath technique. You can do this anytime, anywhere. All you have to do is recognize the signs of stress. As soon as you start to feel overwhelmed, stop for a minute. Say to yourself, I need a Break. Then take it. Take three breaths with your full attention on each one. Start by fully exhaling, and then calmly, carefully observe the next breath coming in. Feel it expanding inside you, and think to yourself, Thank You. Hold the breath for an instant, and then let it out slowly, thinking to yourself, Let go. Repeat this twice more. Don't cheat yourself. You have time to do this carefully, slowly, and mindfully. Just give yourself one minute to reconnect with the miracle of your breathing, and then get back to work. If you practice this everyday, you'll notice a shift in the way you perceive stress, from something that just keeps happening to you to something you can observe with detachment.

Mindful walking
I can't write about meditation, mindfulness, and flow without mentioning my favorite type of meditation: mindful walking. This is simply the act of taking a very slow walk during which you pay close attention to everything that happens. This is a nice thing to do in your neighborhood, in your yard, or in a natural area near where you work. Start by coordinating your breath with your steps. Take a step as you inhale, take a step as you exhale. Continue this for a while, noticing how each foot touches the ground, how your chest expands, whether or not it feels awkward to be walking so slowly. Gradually, turn your attention to your surroundings. It's amazing to discover how many details you've been missing.
If you like mindful walking, you might enjoy tai chi, qi gong, or yoga. Each of these practices involves intense awareness of the body in space, close attention to how you're moving and coordination with the breath. Each is different, and which you choose may just be a matter of taste. There are classes in each of these at community centers, colleges, and gyms all over the country.

---

This article was excerpted with permission from the book 10 Simple Solutions to Stress: How to Tame Tension and Start Enjoying Your Life by Claire Michaels Wheeler, MD, PH.D, published by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. c2007. Dr. Wheeler is on the faculty of the Center for Mind-Body Medicine of Portland, OR; and an instructor at Portland State University's School of Community Health.